The Boy Who Whined, An Emo Tale
by CreativeWritingMinor
Summary: Harry Potter is the saviour of the world, but he's in a funk these days. His friends suspect he's gone Emo, but Severus Snape thinks otherwise. What can Severus do set Harry straight? Read and find out! I mock both the movies and the books in this tale.
1. The Boy Who Whined

_This is mostly AU, takes place just after their seventh year at Hogwarts. This is a tale with lots of foul language and sexual inuindo. I mock both the movies and the books in this story. I have the sense of humor of a fourteen year old boy, if really bad language and a lot of sex talk offend you, please don't read this story. I also am NO Emo expert, so forgive me. My knowledge of Emo is limited to a few things I've read on wikipedia._

_I'll try to update every week, probably more._

_Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling, not me at all!_**Chapter One, The Boy Who Whined**

Harry Potter is the hero of the wizarding world. True, with a lot of help from his friends (and Dumbledore and most importantly Severus Snape), he did bring down that tyrant, that asexual nose-less wonder, Voldemort. It had to be this way since the prophecy clearly stated that he, Harry Potter, would be the one in the end to defeat Voldemort. Yes he, simple little tiny Potter, would kill Voldemort and make him moldy...Moldy Voldy as he would become.

But why? Why him? An orphan, a sub-standard wizard with minimal ability, above average brawn, the sense of a common Billy-goat and some moderately good looks. Why him of all people? Why not Dumbledore. He was one hundred and fifeteen yrs old; he'd defeated his own Dark Wizard in his day. He knew spells and counter spells, he could read minds and block other mind readers. He had style! He was six feet of pure Liberaceness with a beard three feet long, nails three inches long and a wand 8 inches long. His _magic wand_ was even longer! He was brave, he was sweet, he was brilliant and he was a superior wizard. Why was it not him who defeated Moldy Voldy?

Why not Hermione? She was a few months older than Harry, but an exceptionally gifted witch. She was also brave, quick-thinking, rational and could block mind readers as well. Even at such a young age she had powers most full grown witches and even wizards envied. Why was it not she who defeated Moldy Voldy?

Or even Ron...the bumbling comic relief. He was tall, he was also brave and as sub-standard a wizard as Harry ever was. He was thick though, thicker than anyone in their grade...but he had LUCK! Great luck, it was he after all who through good luck and a broken wand saved himself against that other Liberace-adorning _Witch-Weekly Magazine_ cover boy Gilderoy Lockhart. His chess prowess and utterly stupid bravery saved Harry and Hermione their first year at Hogwarts. Even he was better equipped to make Voldy moldy, but he in fact, did not.

Why not Severus Snape? He was the one after all who started this whole mess, why not let it be he who ended it? He was the bravest man alive; he was a triple agent, a mind-reader with incredible wizarding strength. He could lie as easily as he breathed and people would believe every word of his repartee. He knew the dark arts as much or more than any dark wizard. He mastered spells and counter spells, he could heal, he could fly, he could brew potions to do almost anything and he could block his mind from being read by others better than anyone in the wizarding world. He also had guilt. It was he that caused the death of his one and only true love, Lily, the mother of Harry Potter. As a spy for Moldy Voldy he passed information unknowingly to Voldy that resulted in her and her husband's murder. This is why he switched sides. He was no longer content to be one of Voldy's loyal followers, a mere Death Eater. He wanted to try to make up for it and joined the side of good. He was a great spy and utterly powerful. He was possibly the most powerful wizard in the world. Yet he did not kill Voldy and make him Moldy either. Though he did help.

In fact, without the help of Hermione, Ron, Dumbly and Snape, Harry would never have succeeded. The prophecy NEVER stated that Harry would require so much help to defeat Voldy, but it must be said that without their aid, he'd be dead. He was after all little more than a whiney Emo fuck. Granted Snape was the father of all Emos, but he was never as whiney as Harry Potter. Sure, they probably both 'cut to feel' but Harry was more of an Emo-poseur than a true Emo himself. This, above all other things, irritated Snape to no end.

Dumbledore, a hippie, never understood the whole Emo thing that Snape and eventually Harry seemed to live by. Dumbly was as free as a bird. He had a real passion for life, but he never sweated the small stuff. In fact, he never sweated at all. Sweat and his silken often pink robes, hand crafted by the same wizard who made robes for another well known wizard, Liberace, did not mix. Dumbledore never sweat. He was as cool as a cucumber and saw no reason to lose his temper. He never bottled his anxieties up either. He saw no need. He laughed off most of life's problems, which is probably how he was able to live so long despite eating nothing but sweets for the last seventy five years. His motto was always, "Peace and Love". One of his favorite wizards was John Lennon. So many muggles loved the Beatles and had no clue that Lennon was a wizard. A Hufflepuff of course. "Instant Karma" was one of Dumbly's favorite hippie tunes. Unlike Snape who was a Trent Reznor look a like, and Harry who seemed to admire Amy Lee from Evanescence, Dumbly enjoyed folk music and some good old fashioned Joan Baez.

Dumbledore also enjoyed his retreats to the "Wizard Nudist Colony" on the Orkneys once a year. True, it was a tad bit chilly up there, even in July. But he had nothing to be ashamed of. He was once after all THE world's most powerful wizard. He killed his boyfriend, who turned out to be a "dark wizard". Now let's face it, Grindelwald was begging to be killed. You can't just go around performing dark magic and get away with it. He also cheated on our hero Dumbledore and you know what they say about a wizard scorned. This was one of the few times when Dumbly had to act, and could not just form a drum-circle and have a sit-in. He had to defeat him. And he did.

This man, Albus Dumbledore, was a great wizard, and he had nothing to hide, even in 4 degree Celsius temperatures. Why, if it not for his fondness of pink and lavender silken robes and his going commando beneath them, he'd be content to go nude all day long. So admired and well thought of was he, had he decided it morally agreeable to conduct daily activities in the nude, there is no doubt that the Ministry of Magic would deem it so for all the wizarding community. Snape on the other hand, would vomit from such an act.

Snape was Emo. He created the movement. Harry on the other hand, was an Emo-fuck. Worse even, he seemed to be a bit of a poseur Emo-fuck. He didn't identify with the deep and serious issues concerning Emo's of the time. He instead enjoyed the whiney music, the cutting and the crying. Emos founder, the world's greatest wizard Severus Snape did not cry...anymore. Since forming the entire Emo-movement he decided that self pity and hatred, mixed with odd, long and greasy hair styles spoke volumes and tears were not needed all the time. One could quietly suffer and ultimately commit suicide and not cry about it in public. Crying in public was for babies. Severus Snape was no baby. He was a very brave man. Emo's were alone, misunderstood and full of self doubt, but not so full of tears that they were considered cry babies. Harry was a crying, whining, Emo-fuck _poseur_, and Severus Snape could not tolerate that kind of behavior. Especially coming from him, son of that other whiney Emo-fuck James. How dare Harry take Severus's movement and turn it into some 'woe is me, lets all cry about my mummy and daddy being dead' shit! The thing was, while teens and young adults the wizarding and muggle world over were actively enrolling in the "Emo-movement" due to Severus Snape, some whiney bastard like Harry Potter could easily ruin it for them all. How on earth did he get sorted into Gryffindor? Okay, he was brave, but because he had no choice. Snape had a choice, Dumbly had a choice, they chose to help bring down Voldy. Harry was born into a prophecy that stated he WOULD bring down Voldy. For all he knew, bringing down Voldy could have meant tripping him after Dumbly and Snape kicked his nose-less ass, causing him to hit his head and die. Not much bravery involved there.

But now it was all over. Voldy was Moldy. The wizarding world was once again at peace, at least for the time being. The "Trio" as they'd been labeled finally left Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft. They'd completed their training and on the last day of their seventh and final year at Hogwarts, they valiantly fought and defeated Voldemort. Ron wanted to piss on his corpse and Harry was all too happy to follow, but Hermione, Dumbly and Snape thought it would be in bad taste.

"How about I drop trou and shite all over his bloody nose-less corpse instead?" Harry 1asked. Snape rolled his eyes, Hermione turned red and Dumbledore, never one to waste precious air, just shook his head 'No'.

"NO? I'm Harry Potter! The defeater of Voldemort who was the murderer of my parents and I killed him! Granted, I didn't do it with a killing curse, instead I beat his nearly dead body with my Firebolt until his skull cracked and some brain leaked out, but he's dead none the less because of me!..." he paused and saw the disgust on everyone's faces but Ron's. Ron just looked puzzled. It took him a few minutes to catch up.

"And if I want to lop my ass over his nasty, rotting, moldy corpse and release a huge shite onto it, then I'll damn well do it, because I'm Harry Potter!" he yelled. And he would have done it too.

"Except, I already went this morning and I've not eaten today so there's really no shite to come out onto his moldy corpse, so never mind!" Harry exclaimed before storming off. He was heading to his home, 12 Grimmauld Place to order his house-elf Kreacher to make him a post-battle feast. The Trio and the honourable and powerful grown wizards Dumbly and Snape just stood there and watched him strut off into the sunset. They were just about to return to their own homes when they heard Harry grumble, "I'd be flying home if my overpriced Firebolt was not sticking out of that nose-less wonder's head!"

"The Aurors will need it for their investigation, Harry," Dumbledore offered, trying to soothe Harry's delicate soul.

"The Aurors can bugger off whilst I WALK HOME!" Harry managed, while walking over the piles of dead.

"Why don't you simply Apparate, you mindless buffoon!" Snape interjected.

Harry stopped, standing on a dead Death Eater, he turned and glared at Severus Snape. His green eyes squinting with hate.

"Why don't you leave me the fuck alone Snivillous! You are not my Professor or my body guard anymore!"

"Actually Harry, there you are wrong. Sev-**SEVERUS** may not be your Professor anymore, but he still remains your body guard," Dumbledore interrupted.

Both Harry and Severus Snape stared into Dumbly's soft blue eyes at this news.

"What do you mean Albus? I've spent nearly twenty years helping and aiding and protecting this so called 'Boy Who Lived' so he could defeat the Dark Lord. Well he did, my job is done," Severus said in a tone much louder than his normal one.

"This may be true Severus but Harry still needs you. I still need you; your work is not done. There will be many out there who will wish him harm still…"

"Other than me?" Severus interrupted.

"Yes, Severus, other than you. A joke! How pleasant! But yes, we still need your help, please go with him and see him home. You two have a lot to talk about after all."

Severus Snape stood still in his spot only inches from the fallen Voldy. He was for the first time in 18 years in utter and total shock. He could not believe the words he was hearing. After all his sacrifice, his "SELFLESS" acts, his bravery, his lying and spying, his sleepless nights, he was still an indentured servant to this eccentric old man?

"Severus, please, don't fail me now," Dumbly said with a little boy innocent smile.

"Very well, next thing I know you'll be ordering me to kill you, one of these days Albus, I WILL disobey one of your orders."

"Very well my dear Severus, but not today. Now go please with Harry, then you can return to Hogwarts and commence with your sulking," Dumbly said with a wicked smile. Albus knew he was the only person on this planet who could control Severus Snape like a puppet. He loved having such power over such a powerful wizard like Severus. He did know that Severus was not one to mince words, he meant what he said, and he would defy him someday, but not that day.

No, on that day Severus was ever obedient to his real Master, Dumbledore. He followed ten paces behind Harry Potter, who did indeed strut over the pile of death and then apparated to his home.

Once there his mood was no more the cheerier. He was upset that Snape had been sent to "baby sit" him and he let Severus know it. Severus was probably angrier than Harry. He hated baby sitting, he hated babies, he hated kids in general. Yet he was a teacher, 'irony is just so ironic at times', he thought to himself.

"Well Potter, aren't you going to have your _Victory Dinner_ now?" he spoke in silky almost whispering tones.

"YES, I am and you can just sit there and watch me, in case I choke I guess, so you can do the Heimlich maneuver on me or something. Isn't that your job? Body guard!" he scowled, looking for Kreacher. Kreacher quickly walked up to Harry in the kitchen and greeted him warmly, like only a good house-elf would.

"What can Kreacher do for you, nasty half blood Gryffindor?"

"Kreacher, I want some pasties, some chips and some ale!" Harry commanded. "I deserve a drink after what I did today," he said, placing his booted foot up on the clean table.

"After what YOU did Potter?" Snape asked angrily. "You did nothing but throw your broomstick at his nearly dead head. Albus and I and even Ron and Hermione did more work than you did! You arrogant, self centered little…just like your father you are!"

"Yeah Snape I am just like my father, but I don't strut around! Get that clear now. My father was a great man, a brave and honourable man and now he's dead! My parents are dead because of YOU and Voldemort and Peter Pettigrew! He was their friend! HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!" he shouted after knocking his chair over in his rage. He felt tall for the first time in his life, despite the fact he only came up to Snape's chest.

"Your father was a whiney, unappreciative, spoiled, wiry haired, arrogant, cruel prat who deserves worse than he got. And he was not brave. After everything me and Dumbledore went through putting that Fidelius Charm on your parents house, after I told the Headmaster that HE needed to be the secret-keeper, after I risked my life in passing this information on to Dumbledore, your stupid inept father goes and makes Black the secret keeper and then when Black goes and makes Pettigrew the secret-keeper because he was too scared to have the responsibility, after all that, Voldemort learns the location of his house and what does your father do? NOTHING. He just stands there, wandless, in the front yard and goes and gets himself and ultimately your Mum killed. Yes, wonderful and brave man indeed. But you are right, you are just like him."

"How dare you! HOW DARE YOU Snivellus insult my fathers hair! You are one to talk you greasy git!"

Severus Snape stood stunned, for the second time that day. He tried to comprehend what Potter had just said to him.

"So after all of that, the only argument you have back at me was that I insulted your father's hair?"

Harry stood still, green eyes piercing into Snape's endless black eyes. "That's right, you unicorn taint bastard! Now, as you can see I made it home safe and I no longer need a chaperone. I'm seventeen yrs old and I can take care of myself! I'm going to enjoy some pasties, and some chips and ale and hopefully a good BM and I don't need you to witness it!"

"Yeah, get out of here you Snivilly grease-ball fart wad!" a painting on the far corner of the wall said. It was the painting of the homes former occupant, Sirius Black. It was an impressive picture, Sirius, in his prison-robes with the top part unbuttoned, revealing a heavily muscled, hairless and totally tattooed chest. He was mounted on a muggle motor-cycle, a Honda white and lime green crotch rocket. He wore no helmet. The painting was showing a full moon, and in the far right corner if one looked close, one could see the outline of a werewolf, Remus Lupin no doubt. The werewolf was posed, in a mooning position. Sirius Black the Painting noticed Severus looking at the picture with great interest.

"Admiring Moonies Mooning are we Snivllily? Gay much?"

"You were in prison for how many years Black? What's that tattooed on your chest? I'm the Azkabans Numero-Uno Bitch? And you think _I'm_ gay?" Severus said to his old nemesis.

Of all the people in the world he hated, Black was high on the list. Now Peter Pettigrew is the rat-bastard who got Severus's love Lily killed. For that, he was at the top of the list. Next was James Potter, Lily's husband and Harry's father. Arrogant and immature, he and Sirius practically tortured young Severus in school for no good reason. James also married Severus's love and for that he would never be forgiven. Next in line was Sirius Black. He started all the teasing in the train station all those years ago. He invented the cruel nick-name Snivillous, hearing of which made Severus shudder to this day. He even gave Harry a jeweled knife to kill Severus with a few years back. No wonder that maniac was in prison. He also tried to murder Severus in their sixth year by deliberately leading Severus into the Shrieking Shack where he knew Lupin the Werewolf was waiting for him. Sirius had NO regard for Severus's life, or his friend Lupin. Lupin would have been imprisoned had he bitten or killed Severus. Sirius did not care.

Even though in years later it came to be known that the crime Sirius was convicted of turned out to be not be his fault, it was Pettirgew not Black who ratted on the Potters causing their death, the fact that he spent time in prison as an innocent man meant nothing to Severus….he did try to murder him their sixth year and he should have served time for that alone.

"What happens in prison stays in prison…Snivilly!" the bastard painting said with cold harsh tones and wicked laugh.

"OH? Why's it tattooed across your chest then you maggot eating sorry excuse for a pure-blood wizard?"

"None of your bees-wax! Now go away, you're getting grease on my handsome painting, could fry an egg on your face you _Expecto_-_Patron-ass_!"

"How very mature Black, I see even in death you are still the same arrogant immature bastard you always were. Traits which got you killed I may add…"

"Don't you dare even speak to my Godfather! How dare you? Saved my life you may have done but I will not let you insult my own Godfather in MY HOUSE and this IS my house, my domicile and you are no longer welcome here!" Harry interrupted. He was fuming and as red as a tomato. Sirius Black's Portrait looked on with a large, proud Gryffindor smile. He loved that his tiny little Godson was sticking up to that worthless piece of dark-magic filth. Had be been alive, he'd gladly give Harry a "High Five".

"Very well Potter, I have better things to do that talk to this homicidal maniac on a girl's bike and listen to your banter. I'm going back to my dungeon now and I'll inform the Headmaster that you made it home safely. Despite what he said earlier, I do think my work here with you is indeed done; I have nothing more to offer you that I can tell. I see no reason to even see you again in the future," Severus Snape said, turning to leave, his long dark robes billowing away softly as he walked out the front door.

"You sure told him off didn't you boy? Proud of you!" Sirius Black's Portrait said.

"I did didn't I? AND, I killed Voldemort today too! Still though…" Harry said, pausing to think.

"Still what Harry? This is all wonderful news."

"Still though, I should feel more...I don't know...morw...anything."

"Anything?"

"I feel nothing...nothing at all...I should feel relief or proud or even cheerful, but I feel nothing...not one damn thing. Some angst maybe...but that's all."

"You need to get laid boy," Sirius Blacks Portrait said giggling.


	2. Angst Realized

**CHAPTER TWO:**** Angst Realized**

Shortly after Harry returned home, Ron and Hermione thought it'd be a great idea to go and check up on him. They hoped Snape had gone. Not that they didn't admire and respect Severus Snape, who had only recently unveiled his true loyalties to the wizarding world. They just knew that no matter what, Harry and Snape would never get along and it'd be best if Dumbledore just let poor Snape be. They apparated into Harry's front yard. From outside the front door they could hear voices. They recognized one as the wayward voice of their old friend, Sirius Black.

"You think Harry is talking to Sirius's portrait and telling him of our victory over Voldy who's now Moldy?"

"You THINK Ronald? My gods you are thick sometimes…Harry!" Hermione yelled as she knocked on the door.

"Oh hi guys, come in….Kreacher you clotheless piece of elfin crap, come here and get my warrior friends some butterbeer, no fuck that, REAL beer, go on now…chop chop!" Harry yelled, waving his friends inside.

"Harry! That's extremely rude, that poor house elf is your slave by law but you don't have to talk to him like that, poor thing probably needs a hug," Hermione said, softly approaching Kreacher.

"Oh go hug yourself you tree-hugging liberal ass wanker….what do you know of house elves? You want to liberate them? Liberation and freedom is TORTURE to a house-elf Hermione, TORTURE, do you hear me? Endorsing and condoning torture are we now?"

"Umm, Harry, is everything all right? And why are you laughing Ron?" Hermione ejaculated. Ron was as red as a beet and his ear to ear grin looked like it hurt.

"Called you a wanker 'Arry did oy!" Ron also ejaculated. The whole world was a joke to Ronald Weasley and he was just along for the ride.

Hermione just rolled her eyes, as she often did around most male wizards her age. Nearly every person she met in the wizarding world was of lesser intelligence and maturity than herself. The only exceptions being Headmaster Dumbledore, Professor and Spy Severus Snape and her favorite Professor and head of her House, Gryffindor, Minerva McGonagall. Of course until Hermione learned that Snape was a spy for their side, she never really liked him. She was grateful that Harry had told her what he'd heard in Dumbly's Pensieve.

Yes, no secret was ever safe around Harry Potter. No wonder most people secretly could not stand that Emo-fuck. He was nosing around Dumbledore's office one night, and he slipped into the Pensieve. Of course Dumbly, who was probably on a sugar high, left some memories of his in the Pensieve and that nosey and arrogant prick just went in there and looked at them. It was then that he discovered that Snape was in fact, a Death Eater. He had turned spy before Voldy murdered Harry's parents when Harry was just over a year old, and he received a full pardon. He hated Snape before he learned of this news; he down right despised him after he learned this.

Harry was also prone to strutting around Hogwarts Castle alone late at night. He had his fathers' invisibility cloak; one would think to peak at naked girls in the washrooms….though he pussied out every time. Not a true Gryffindor quality, even Neville would have looked! He loved strutting around the castle, being nosey and doing, well, usually nothing. See, Harry was an insomniac. Most Emo's are, but he's not really Emo, he's a poseur Emo-fuck, but he did have this trait in common with most normal Emo's.

Hermione decided it was best to simply ignore Harry's insult. He was tired, he was hungry, and he was probably in a state of shock that the entire Voldemort debacle was now a thing of legend.

She sat on the sofa and begrudgingly allowed Kreacher to serve her.

"Mudblood piece of filth!" Kreacher snarled, as he spat into her beer and handed it to her. "Pureblood traitor," he passed more spittle-beer onto Ron, who thanked him and drank his down. "Half blood asswipe master!" Kreacher said, handing Harry the only non spittle beer.

"Now Kreacher, go make me a strawberry short bread! Now you dementor-dung piece of crap!"

Kreacher bowed and journeyed off to the kitchen. Hermione looked concerned and didn't even notice that Ron had scarfed down her spittle-beer as well. He let out a very loud and deep belch which made Hermione nearly gag. Then she rolled her eyes in utter disgust and crossed her arms. Harry let out a huge belch of his own and just laughed.

"Yours was better Ronnie!" Sirius the Portrait said with a gigantic grin.

"OH, hello Sirius, you 'eard the great news eh?"

"What are you Canadian now Ronnie? Just kidding, looking great you are after the big battle! Sweat, some blood, a little dirt…nice! I like those tight jeans you're wearing there, Ron….wooooooo…come closer so I can see!" Sirius said, repositioning himself on his Honda "girly bike" as Snape had called it. "Wish I could smell your success Ronald!"

Ron innocently approached the portrait, olivious to the fact that Sirius was grabbing his crotch.

"Nah no, Ronnie, turn around, let me see your bum, I mean, your jeans….designer?"

"Hell no, Ron's family is poor Sirius," Harry said.

"Nice jeans none the less Ronnie-Man!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Gee thanks Sirius! Hear the news, it's all done, and 'Arry here, well, actually come to think of it, it's thanks to YOU that Voldy is now Moldy!" Ron said letting out yet another belch.

"What? What the fuck are you talking about Ron? I KILLED Voldemort, not Sirius!" Harry ejaculated, full of angst this time.

"Well I alls I mean 'Arry, is it was Sirius who bought you the Firebolt, so had he not bought you that broomstick, then Voldy would uh……..not be so moldy!" Ron said with a smile. It's amazing how someone so thick can really just get things that others can't seem to see. Sirius was grinning with pride at this revelation. He didn't know that it was his Firebolt that brought down Voldemort! Sirius longed to do more for the Order of the Tempe. Since his escape from Azkaban, he was pretty much left a prisoner in his own home. There was little he could do to help in the fight against Voldemort. He was proud that in the end, it was his purchase that saved the day!

"This is bullshit! It was MY Firebolt that killed Voldemort, me, not Sirius, who killed him, shit Ron whose side are you on?" Harry yelled, green eyes piercing into Ron's innocent ocean blue ones.

"Yeah uh, never mind, you're right 'Arry…think there'll be a parade?" Ron asked, looking at Hermione who was holding her face in her hands.

"Harry, we need to talk….Please tell me Harry, what's wrong?" Hermione pleaded.

"Nothing, I'm Harry Potter and this POS wanker so called friend of mine RONALD is trying to give credit to Sirius, who's dead by the way, for finishing off Voldemort."

"Um, no, he was not giving him credit, he was just saying that it was really uh, fortunate that Sirius bought you that Firebolt, that's all, YOU did kill Voldemort….no one is denying that. But uh, Harry? You just, you just don't seem happy. Shouldn't you be happy now that he's dead?" Hermione pleaded, holding Harry's hand in hers.

"Fuck happy! I feel nothing…now leave me be! I must retreat upstairs and do myself some harm now, feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all!" Harry cried as he ran upstairs.

"I'll talk to him, don't worry, he's in good hands, and you would be too Ron if I were still alive!! Yes-ah!" Sirius said with a huge smile. Hermione just stared in confusion at the picture and shook her head.

"Um Ronald, I'm worried about Harry, I think we need to speak to Professor Dumbledore, he needs to do something, anything, to help Harry….I think………I think he may hurt himself."

"He's Emo Hermione, can't you hear that Cure music blasting from his room?"

"YES Ronald! I hear it! And Emo can be a bad thing, it's not all bangs and cool music you know….maybe Dumbledore can ask Professor Snape to help him, he did after all invent the Emo-movement."

"Right, later Sirius, look after him for us…thanks for the beer you miserable sack of shite!" Ron yelled toward the direction of the kitchen, where Kreacher was making Harry's strawberry short breads.

"I'll look after him and if he does NOT give me credit for purchasing that over priced piece of crap broomstick of his, I'll come out of this painting and haunt the living daylight out of him! And you! You stunning wizard you! Ye-ah-ha ha….." Sirius grinned, waving bye to Ron and raising his eyebrows. "Oh, you too Hermione, go get Dumbledore…"

"Umm, yeah thanks…Bye Sirius," Hermione said, closing the front door to 12 Grimmauld Place behind her.

"Umm, Ron? Did any part of that seem weird to you?" She asked.

"Uhh, yeah!" He said, a wave of relief came to her bloodied and bruised face. "I mean, how can a painting haunt anyone? It's completely mental," she yet again just rolled her eyes and apparated with Ron to the grounds of Hogwarts.


	3. The Saviour of the World

**CHAPTER THREE: ****Harry Potter, Saviour of the World!**

_Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling_

It had been one week since Harry Potter single handedly brought down Voldemort…or so the Daily Prophet said. It was a great story, an exclusive from Rita Skeeter. It would probably win her a great writing prize…and of course the whole wizarding world believed every word of it. Except Dumbledore, Snape, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Seamus, Luna, Ginny, Lupin, Tonks, and Arthur and Molly Weasley, who actually participated IN the battle. Even Draco didn't believe a word of it and he wasn't even there! A Malfoy Family vacation to Belize just so happened to occur at the same time, but he got an owl from Pansy who told him everything she witnessed, from the window in the dungeon that is.

Draco and Severus Snape always saw Harry for what he really was…a poseur. Nothing spectacular, he didn't even know what a beazor was used for. He cheated his way through is sixth year potions class, using Snape's old book that had notes and cheats scribbled in it. He only passed his second year because that liberal left leaning hippie Dumledore cancelled "everyone's" exams to be fair to the_ few_ who were petrified or helped in the Chamber of Secrets. Harry was nothing more than a _scene-stealing hack_ and Draco, Snape and everyone else in the Slytherin house new it…except maybe Slughorn. But Horace Slughorn didn't even know what day it was most of the time, so he didn't really count.

Ron and Hermione still loved and were very concerned for their friend, Harry Potter. He'd changed a lot since the first time they met. He'd been faced with a nearly impossible challenge and he survived it. In the last few years though he'd grown moodier and more self centered and they could never really figure out why. They had faith that their old friend would return to reason some day, but even they were mad at Rita's article, which didn't mention their efforts at all. What amazed Hermione was most of the article was still so wrong, even simple facts like names and dates, but Harry didn't even seem to care. They could in time get over her stretched truth and out right lies, except they learned that not only did Harry approve of the article, but he told her most of the crap that she put in said article. This was getting out of hand. His fear of not being a celebrity anymore and sharing in the victory was starting to now piss off his friends.

It did not shock Hermione in the least when she visited Harry's home and found the article framed on the wall, in an elaborate gold and garnet frame right next to the Portrait of Sirius Black. She just rolled her eyes and tried to ignore it. Bringing more attention to those lies would not assist in her endeavor to help her friend, who was desperately in need of help. But still, each time you walked by this framed piece of utter and absolute crap, the voice of Rita Skeeter would start reading the article aloud, and there was nothing you could do to shut her up. And that day was no different:

_**The Boy Who Saved Us All!**_ _All Exclusive by Rita Skeeter._

_Harry Potter, age twelve, is the saviour of the universe so far as this writer is concerned. Thank the Gods that he was born to Lilly and John Potter on January 31__st__ 1981. How sad it was to learn that he was utterly tortured and abused by his paternal Aunt, Uncle and Cousin. The Dirslies were horrible Muggles, the worst kind, the kind that persecute magic folk. They tortured him with bamboo under the fingernails, the rack and the thumb screws. They kept him locked up in a tiny broom closet where he only stayed alive by eating the rats that shared it with him. Finally our hero Harry fought back, beat up his oversized giant of a cousin Dexter, and stood up to his wicked Aunt and Uncle. _

_He knew from an early age that he was a wizard. He knew that someday he'd head off to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and he'd do something wonderful with his life. He would avenge the savage murder of his parents Lulu and Julio and he'd be the Hero of the Wizarding World. And last week, he did just that. He single handedly brought down, humiliated and destroyed the darkest of all dark wizards….He Who Shall Not Be Named! This writer believes that a statue of our hero should be constructed now within the halls of our great Ministry of Magic. He deserves the Order of David Copperfield, 1__st__ Class and accolades the world over._

_But how did our intrepid hero do what so many others died trying to do? _

_Firstly he used his above average intelligence. He did have the highest scores in Hogwarts history and his prowess at Potions is second to no other in the world! Thirdly he's also a gifted athlete and in top shape. Standing at over six feet tall and bursting with male testosterone and massive muscles, he practically beat He Who Shall Not Be Named to death with his bare hands. And B, it was simply meant to be. After all it was the prophecy that stated that it would be he and he alone who destroyed Voldemort. _

_Harry on his own and with no help or support from that wanker Albus Dumbledore and his pathetic so-called army, The Order of the Tempe, lured Voldemort to the grounds of the Hogwarts Quickich Pitch and there he valiantly defeated him! _

_When Voldemort arrived with an army of ten-thousand Spartan like Death-Eaters, they found Harry Potter, mounted on his Firebolt, wand in hand, waiting for him. First he killed all of the Death-Eaters with one wave of his majestic wand, leaving Voldemort alone and frightened. _

_Harry then did the bravest and some may think, riskiest thing ever. He dropped his wand._

_Our hero dismounted his magical steed, he approached Voldemort who was kneeling and crying for mercy at this point. He looked down at his enemy and uttered these now infamous words,_

"_I don't need magic to kill you Vodly. I was raised like a Muggle, tortured in the Muggle way, and my Mum was born a Muggle. I will kill you, the Muggle way, with my fists!" he spoke softly before uppercutting Voldemort right in the chin. Eighteen of Voldemort's teeth flew out of his mouth and he began to run from Harry Potter._

"_You will not run from me Mr. Voldemort. I am Harry Potter! If you had a nose, I'd break it but you don't, so I won't! Now sit still so I can run you through!" and with that, Harry grabbed his favorite material object, his beloved Firebolt and in one quick swoop, slammed it into Voldemor'ts skull, cracking it clear open, fresh brains oozing out all over Harry's trainers._

_He was dead. He Who Still Shall Not Be Named had been killed. Bloodied, bruised and crushed, his corpse lay beneath our hero's feet as Harry stood taller and prouder that day than any wizard in history. 'If only my friends could have been here to witness this,' Harry said as he mounted his Firebolt and flew back to Hogwarts to tell that wimp, Alan Dumbeldork that Voldy was indeed………..Moldy."_

"Only piece of that rubbish that is accurate is that Voldy is indeed, Moldy," Hermione uttered under her breath.

"Don't let my Godson hear you say that girlfriend," the Portrait of Sirius Black spoke.

"Is your Godson, hero of the world home? Or out signing autographs?"

"I think he's upstairs sulking…I think he thought people would be banging the door down to get his autograph after this article. He's amazed and saddened to learn that the public thinks that he wants to be left alone and left at peace. Only a few owls came requesting autographs. He had Kreacher go out and buy hundreds of pounds of owl treats expecting thousands of them. I guess he thought the public were not a decent folk and would want to hunt him down."

"Well no doubt that plea from the Ministry to give him time to cope and room to breathe helped keep the masses at bay. It's a good thing; he's not in the right state of mind at the moment. Plus, the stories that all of us in the Order are telling the Aurors and the tale that Rita Skeeter published just don't add up…'cept for the part of him hitting Voldemort with his broomstick of course. They think that Harry has gone over the edge."

"My Godson is not crazy; he's fine, he's just sensitive that's all. And he did defeat Voldemort, with the broomstick I bought him; I wish that hag had published that. Shame Portraits can't give quotes. He's braver than any wizard alive and just wants proper credit…as do I for buying him that Firebolt. So anyway, where's Ronnie? I do miss that boy."

"Umm, he's home at the Burrow with his family, he's angry that Harry allowed this article to be published and he's now telling the Aurors about the truth that happened that day," Hermione said biting her bottom lip.

"What happened? What happened was MY Godson killed that gigantic asshole, and that's all that needs to be known," he said with pride, from atop his girly bike.

"Well Sirius, that's not exactly what happened. Many people died that day, not just Death Eaters, many people fought, if you saw what Severus Snape did to weaken Voldemort you'd be in shock and…"

"Snivellus? Snivvy is nothing but a gigantic, greasy, git and nothing more."

"Whatever Sirius, I am going to check on Harry," she said walking up the stairs.

Before she reached his door she could hear the loud music playing by The Foo Fighters. She knocked three times before he yelled at her to go away.

"But Harry, I want to see you, I'm worried about you!" she pleaded.

"Why?" he said opening the door. He was wearing a black T-Shirt that said "I'm Harry Potter!" on it with the outline of a tear drop coming from the O, and was holding his hand behind his back.

"Harry," she said cautiously, "what's wrong with your hand?"

"What? Nothing, I don't…I don't know what you're talking about," he said suspiciously.

"Harry I'm serious…"

"No you're not, I am!" The Portrait of Sirius Black yelled.

Hermione closed the door behind her and entered Harry's room. There were lava lamps that glowed magically, the framed picture of his parents on his bedside, and a stuffed gorilla eating a banana on his bed. Looked like a tear drop had been drawn beneath his eye.

"Show me your hand!" she exclaimed grabbing his hand.

"No, let me cut in peace! Leave me be woman!" he said but she easily put his hand in hers. She examined it but saw nothing. She looked three and four times closely, looking for any kind of wound. There's no way he could heal it that fast and a real cutter wouldn't want to heal any self inflicted wounds all.

"Good Harry, nothing," she said giving him his hand back.

"What? Are you blind? You didn't see my cut?" he asked angrily. He shoved his hand in her face. "See? There, right there, tip of my index finger!"

She looked but saw nothing but a tiny little red dot.

"The dot you mean?"

"Dot? It's a cut Hermione."

"Um, what did you do use to make that…'cut'?"

"This!" he yelled, shoving a stick pin in her face.

"Oh Gods, this is worse than I thought. Please Harry," she pleaded, thinking fast, "Please promise me you'll tend to that cut. I don't want it to get infected!" she interjected, knowing that it was attention he wanted, and that's what he'd get until she could do something to really help him.

"Please Harry, take care of yourself for me; I don't want you mutilating yourself worse than you already have," she said, kissing him on his fragile forehead. "I'm going to leave now, if you need anything, please floo me….can I have that pin?"

"Why? I have one hundred just like it in that drawer over there….I'll still cut. Or did you just want this pin so you could have a sample of my blood, probably worth some money by now."

Hermione rolled her eyes and closed the door behind her. She stormed out of the house and raced to Hogwarts. Something needed to be done and she needed Albus Dumbledore's help.

_Author's Notes: I know the the Foo Fighters are not an Emo band, it comes to play later on._


	4. The Sit In

**CHAPTER FOUR: ****The Sit-In**

_Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling._

It had been just over two months since Harry Potter single handedly saved the entire Muggle and wizarding world from Voldy, who thanks to him was Moldy. The wizarding world was a resilient one. Since the beginning of time, there had been literally hundreds of Dark witches and wizards who had tried to take over. Dark Magic and death was as part of the wizarding world as magic wands and chocolate frogs were. Witches and wizards never forgot the names and deeds of those Dark Ones, but also never dwelled on the past either. Life was precious, too precious to go around weeping about the past. Instead witches and wizards enjoyed the moment, and looked forward to the future even in the most uncertain of times. This is how they survived. Medieval witch hunts and witch burnings taught them to savor life and cling to the future.

This bothered Harry Potter. He was upset that his name was not plastered on the front page of the Daily Prophet each day. He was pleased to learn recently that he would be receiving the Order of David Copperfiled-1st Class, but upset to learn that he'd be sharing that honour with Dumbledore and Severus Snape. He pin-pricked each finger and toe the day he learned that the ceremony would include all three of them. Apparently the Ministry did see the need to reward Dumbly and Snape for their efforts, still yet unpublicized. Dumbledore was used to praise, he did after all defeat a dark wizard in his own day and was an old celebrity. But awards didn't interest him. He didn't look too deeply into them. He knew that it was just the result of his hard work and he knew that the Minister of Magic wanted to award him, so he would humbly accept it.

Severus Snape on the other hand, was more conflicted. As a Slytherin he desperately wanted that most coveted of all awards. He had worked as hard as Dumbledore to protect Harry and bring down Voldy and make him Moldy. As a hard core Emo, he did not bow to the government and did not want to accept their award and recognition. He was still alone in the world, suffering in silence and wanted no more attention brought on to him. Also he really did not feel he deserved it. He at first told Dumbledore that he was going to refuse the award. He thought 2nd Class would be more appropriate, but Dumbledore talked him into it…and indeed ordered him to accept the award. Dumbledore had hoped that deep down it would boost his self esteem.

Hermione had visited Dumbledore at the beginning of the summer, voicing her concerns about Harry. She told him everything she'd witnessed and asked for his help. She felt that Harry was slipping away and would lose everything he once held dear, and most importantly, lose his friends. She knew there was something wrong, but she did not know the solution.

Dumbledore was a quick thinker but not one to jump to conclusions. When given the gift of time, he accepted it whole-heartedly. He had the spare time that summer to consider all his options and think through this new problem. He finally came to a conclusion and consulted his most trusted advisors, his teachers.

It was two weeks before the start of term. To Dumbledore's shock Severus Snape decided to return as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It was after all his dream job and the position was no longer cursed. He also would keep an eye on his old teacher, Horace Slughorn. He'd brew the potions for Madame Pomfrey and let Slughorn go on with his love potions. He did however insist Slughorn take over as Head of the Slytherin House, Severus no longer wanted that added responsibility and there were many children of the Death Eater's he'd betrayed still in school.

McGonagall, Snape, Flitwick and the others wondered why they were summoned to Dumbledore's office two weeks before the start of the term. Once they muttered the password, "Snicker-Doodle" and entered Dumbledore's office, their worst fears were realized. The smell of incense filled the room, the sounds of the Beatles White Album were playing in the background, and there was Albus Dumbledore, with a feather in his partly braided hair and wearing a shorter robe than usual, white terry cloth, with socks and Birkenstocks.

"Oh no, socks with Stocks, this can only mean one thing," Snape muttered to himself.

"Welcome all and thanks so much for coming. We're having a sit-in!" Dumbledore exclaimed. He knew that most of his teachers hated his sit-ins and loved to share the bad news to them with an ear to ear grin.

"Yippie!" Professor Trelawney yelled as she jumped and clapped her hands. She and Dumbly really were on the same wave length when it came to this kind of crap.

"Headmaster to what do we owe this cra….event?" Snape said, biting his tongue.

"There's a serious problem with our Harry Potter and I will need all of your help, especially yours dear Severus, to get him right again."

'Shit' Snape thought to himself. Instead of speaking his mind, which was usually full of filth and dark thoughts that he'd never actually articulate, he rolled his eyes, clinched his fists and sat in the circle. "NO drums Albus, I have a head-ache."

"Very well Severus, please gather 'round gather 'round, sit, sit, hold hands…..yes…..and lets close our eyes and cleanse our souls."

McGonagall and Snape stared at each other and rolled their eyes. Snape could read minds but her face said it all clearly, this was a load of bull shit. And he concurred. He made sure to sit in-between McGonagall and Flitwick, the only Professors worth a crap in his opinion. Neither he nor Minerva McGonagall closed their eyes, instead they held in their laughter at watching Trelawney and Sprout and even Filch concentrate intently. Why was Filch even there? He was not a teacher, he was the janitor! Hagrid was always up for anything, so he sat and concentrated as well. Severus and Minerva just sat and listened to Dumbledore chant and sway back and forth. Snape almost started to tap his foot to "Why Don't We Do It In The Road," but caught himself before he started. He looked over and Minerva looked like she'd fallen asleep.

"Ok, good! Now that we have all realigned our Chi, we can get to work on our problem," Dumbledore stated, as Severus elbowed Minerva in the arm to wake her up. "There is something seriously wrong with our Mr. Harry Potter."

"Other than he's a lying, whiney git with a flare for the over dramatic?" Severus said quite plainly.

"Yes Severus, aside from that. He's taken to some disturbing behaviour as of late. I hate to say it but our Mr. Potter has turned into……..a cutter."

Professor Sprout and Professor Trelawney gawked at what they heard. Why were they so shocked?

"Yes, Mr. Potter has turned…Emo," Dumbledore said, while Severus rolled his eyes yet again. It was no wonder he had a headache.

"No, no, I won' hear of it!" Hagrid cried. "Nope, no, he can' be…it's just not 'im to be like dat."

"Normally I'd agree with you dear Hagrid, but Hermione and Ron are not prone to exaggeration. I saw Hermione's memories in my Penseive…and I saw a Harry I've never seen before. He was cutting himself!" Dumbledore said with a most worried look in his eyes. Pamona Sprout and Professor Trelawney gasped at this and shook their heads with despair. "He does nothing but sit alone in his room, cutting……..and listening to Emo music."

"Pardon me Sir, but what exactly defines 'Emo' music?" Snape interrupted. He had a hunch, but wanted to be certain before he voiced his opinion.

"A band Hermione mentioned, the Foo Fighters?"

"What?" Snape snapped as he clenched his fists.

"She mentioned hearing him play, Foo Fighters, Evanescence, and Brittany Spears," Dumbledore stated. Now Dumbly knew nothing of these artists, any album made post 1975 was out of his realm.

Severus Snape stood up in total and complete shock, for the third time that summer. He could not believe what he was hearing. Not only did everyone in the room know so little about his Emo-Movement, but they also had no clue that Harry was in fact NOT an Emo at all!

"Foo Fighters are NOT Emo!" Severus stated and then gritted his teeth.

"NO?" Dumbly asked.

"NO! Not at all, not even close. This is bad Albus, this is worse than I thought. Potter is NOT Emo….it's worse than that."

"Wha could be worse than tha'? Hagrid asked, as Severus gave him a look of complete and utter disgust.

"He's a poseur," Severus softly whispered, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

Everyone one in the room gasped with horror. McGonagall thought she saw Trelawney actually start to cry real tears. Pamona Sprout buried her face in her hands and Dumbledore sat very very still, with his mouth wide open.

"Sybil, why are you crying?" McGonagall asked.

"Because, I never saw this coming!" Sybil Trelawney confessed. "I'm supposed to be this great seer and I saw nothing! I saw The Grim yes, I saw his impending doom, but not this, never this….if I had, I would have warned him or helped him…"

"Oh go choke on one of your crystal balls," Filch said, for no real reason other than he had nothing more to add.

The room fell silent, except for the cries of Sybil Trelawney, and the occasional annoyed exhale of Severus Snape. Dumbly still sat Indian-Style on the floor, a bad thing to do in practically a bathrobe with no under garments beneath it. His mouth still wide open and a look of shock and confusion on his old, sweet face.

"Sir? Are you alright?" Snape asked, honestly concerned for his boss and friend.

"No Severus, I'm not. I'm totally lost for the first time in as many years as I can remember. I have no idea what you all are talking about."

"Sir?"

"Severus, what's a poseur?" Dumbly asked as Snape once again raised his eyes and clenched his now white knuckled fists.


	5. The Accusations of Severus Snape

**CHAPTER FIVE: ****The Accusations of Severus Snape**

_AN-I borrow an idea from 40 Yr Old Virgin in this chapter._

_Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling._

Severus quickly realized that no one in that room was equipped to help defend his precious Emo movement, or help Potter realize he was indeed a Poseur-Emo-Fuck. As much as Dumbledore wanted to hold his teachers hostage in his sit-in until they had all agreed on a course of action, it didn't take much persuasion on the part of Severus to force Dumbly to realize that really only he could solve this problem. The two shared some fire-whiskey and talked for hours trying to figure out the best way to handle this delicate situation. But they had different agendas.

Dumbly wanted to help poor Harry Potter, who'd been through so much and after all, did save the world from Voldy. Severus Snape on the other hand wanted to defend his Emo-Movement and make it clear to all that Potter was not a follower of his movement, but a poseur, just like he had been in Potions class sixth year. The two quickly surmised that Dumbly didn't know enough about the Movement or about the delicate teenaged mind to really offer much more than moral-support to Harry. As much as he hated close contact, well really any contact with Harry Potter, Severus knew he'd have to do the bulk of the work here.

Severus called together a meeting with Potter's friends Hermione, Ron, Neville, Luna and Seamus, to get their input. Well, he really only wanted to meet with Hermione, the only of them with a brain, but she insisted the others tag along, so he grudgingly complied. They all met at The Three Broomsticks shortly after the Sit-In to discuss their plan.

"A poseur? That's what I thought but I was not sure. I mean I'm no expert, that would be you," Hermione said sipping a butterbeer.

"Why you kissing his ass, he's not our teacher anymore 'Mione," Ron said, downing his second Guinness.

"Umm, because 'a' that's what I do and 'b' he is the founder of the Movement, he knows more about it than what I read in _Hogwarts a History_. Plus he's a war hero and a fellow member of the Order of the Tempe…do I really have to go on?"

"Thank you Miss Granger but accolades really are not required. The truth is no one at this table knows my Movement more than I. Most students at Hogwarts who considered themselves Emo were in my own House, or Ravenclaw anyway. Gryffindor's generally don't have what it takes to be a hard-core Emo."

"And Hufflepuff's?" Neville asked drinking his second Cosmopolitan.

"Banned. Hufflepuff's can never truly be considered Emo, am I really the only one here who read _Hogwarts a History_?" Hermione angrily asked.

"YES," They all replied at once, excluding Severus Snape.

"It does not matter, all that matters is that Potter is a poseur and I'll need you to convince him of it, leave my Movement alone!"

"Who cares? I mean really, it's just cool music and bad hair," Ron said, downing his fourth Guinness.

"Because you sod, I didn't spend a lifetime of suffering so that wannabe could go around telling his many fans and admirers that he's something that he is not."

"Well I mean 'Arry suffered too. His parents were murdered after all, and he had that noseless wonder chasing after him all this time, trying to kill him…is all I'm saying…" he muttered softly looking down and quickly finishing off his beer. He may have been thick, but even Ron knew when he'd said too much.

"I don't care about his pathetic little life. All I care about is saving my Movement. He's a disgrace to every true suffering soul who calls themselves Emo. Emo's are a fragile bunch, I can't have them all riled up over something ridiculous like this. If they thought they had anything in common with Potter, they'd go from cutting to slicing real quick!"

"Oh Sir, that's another thing, Harry's cutting it's not really cutting per say…it's more like…pricking," Hermione said.

"Pricking?"

"Yes Sir, he pricks his finger tips with a head of a needle and calls it cutting."

"WHAT?" Severus shouted, throwing his unfinished glass of fire-whiskey at the wall, nearly hitting Neville and Luna. Neville dropped his pink-drink and ducked under the table, but Luna didn't budge an inch. She just slowly sipped her tequila and nibbled on her lime wedge.

'What the fuck is that all about?' Severus thought to himself. But he would not lower himself to swear in front of former students. "That's it, I'm going over there and I'm going to kick his a….his…I'm going to kick him!"

"No, Sir, please wait…."

"Enough Miss Granger, you brought this to my attention, you wanted me to help your so-called friend, now let me handle this my way." he said regaining his composure. He walked out the door, long black robes billowing behind him.

"Greasy git left us with the bill!" Seamus said, putting down his Chardonnay.

Severus Snape Apparated to the home of Harry Potter. He was just about to magically blow the door down when he reconsidered. He was after all, a spy and a good one at that. Why just barge in and beat the living shit out of that whiney Emo-poseur fuck? Severus wanted all the information he'd need to snap Harry out of it. He wanted to see first hand this so called 'pricking' and the bad music. One thing that that Severus had working to his advantage was how exactly it was that he was a great spy. He, unbeknownst to everyone in the wizarding world, was an unregistered animagus. And his animagus was a Vampire-Bat.

No wizards but he and Voldy had the gift of unassisted flight. He did it with ease, but to do it more covertly, he used his animagus. That night though he was in luck, Potter had conveniently left a window open and Severus flew right in.

His first thought was to leave a large, heaping stack of stinky bat shit all over Potter's house and furnishings. But he would not lower himself to do that. He was above that. Amazing how he always battled his own thoughts. He flew in and flew right passed The Portrait of Sirius Black, who he could not help but notice had a compact in his hand and appeared to be applying red lipstick on himself whilst singing "I'm Too Sexy".

He flew quietly and carefully up the stairs. About half way up he could hear Rob Zombie music blaring from the last room on the right. 'Must be Potters room' he thought to himself. The door was slightly open so he could easily fly in. He hovered in a dark corner of the room and observed. First he observed the culprit, Harry, wearing yet another shirt that read "I'm Emo and Proud" with a tear drop dripping from the P. He was prancing around the room quite cheerfully, playing a Muggle guitar along to "Dragula"…but he could not play guitar so what he did sounded like shit. He looked extremely cheerful come to think of it. NO Emo would prance around a room with a Muggle guitar, acoustic at that, looking cheerful.

Snape observed as Harry put down the guitar and opened up what had to be his Fan Mail…there were sacks of it.

'Are those autographed pictures?' Snape questioned to himself, watching Harry grab a pre-autographed photo and slide it into an envelope. 'I think I may vomit.' Snape thought with rage overcoming him, making it difficult to maintain his animagus form. 'Turning into Gilderoy Lockhart.'. He watched on as Harry read the letters and stuffed envelopes with his own picture. He flew in closer to get a better look at the picture, it was of Harry, holding his Firebolt, which was cracked and bent…and holding up the severed head of Voldy, who's now Moldy, while standing on a pile of dead Death Eaters. 'Where in the hell did that boy get that picture? Voldemorts' head is still attached and his broom is still at the Ministry of Magic being studied by Aurors.' Snape thought. He quietly flew back to his dark corner and continued to observe.

Harry sat back on his bed and drank his chocolate milk. He left the milk mustache in place and opened his night stand drawer. Inside was a stack of new stick pins. He grabbed one along with alcohol and a cotton ball.

'NO!' Snape thought to himself, 'No, No, NO! Cutters don't use alcohol to disinfect the skin before cutting you MORON!' he thought, nearly slipping out of his animagus form again. He watched on as Harry did indeed disinfect the tip of his finger. With his other hand he carefully held the needle and slowly and gently placed the needle on the tip of the cleaned index finger…he looked deep in thought. Finally he mustered the courage and lowered the needle enough to break the top layer ONLY of skin. He let out a loud scream like a girl, and began to cry. Snape could not take it anymore.

"POTTER!" Snape yelled, back in his human form. "What the fu….hell are you doing you….you….girl!" Snape shouted, scaring the shit out of Harry who fell off the bed, the needle landing in his forearm. Snape could not hear himself think as the room filled with the bad music of some American asshole wizard wanna-be and the screams and cries of the Boy Who Saved the Universe. "For the love of all things holy you annoying fu…..freak!" He yelled, yanking the pin from Harry's arm. "You are NOT Emo! You are NOT EMO!" He screamed aloud. Harry had never heard Severus Snape scream at the top of his lungs before, and he was really scared to see the terror in Snape's black eyes.

"I…I am too, I am too Emo!" Harry pleaded from his position on the floor.

"Really?" Snape said regaining his composure and speaking in an angry but lower tone. "What's this then?" he showed Harry the pin.

"It's my cutting-device," Harry said.

"A needle like this, is no cutting device; NO Emo in the world would use this, you….pussy!" there, he said it. He despised foul language, as it made the user of which sound stupid and ignorant, but honestly no other word came to mind. So he'd broken the cussing seal, there was no turning back now.

"Is too! See, see my finger and look at my arm, look at the damage it did!" Harry said, waving his arm in Severus's face.

"You think your Emo?"

Harry nodded.

"Then prove it!" he said, putting the needle in Harry's face.

"What, you want me to gouge my eyes out?"

"With a needle?" Snape asked, truly puzzled that Harry was thicker than Ron it seemed. "No! Swallow it!"

"What? No way, no….uh uh….nope."

"You are no Emo," Snape said silkily, as he stared deep into Harry's green eyes and without breaking the stare, swallowed the needle whole.

"You're fucking insane."

"NO, I'm EMO bitch. Now get up!" he said, grabbing Harry by his ear.

Once Harry was standing Snape took a few steps back, using his wandless magic he turned off the Muggle CD player. He stared at Harry, knowing that his stares made Harry nervous. Harry stood still and full of rage, how dare he accuse Harry of not being Emo!

"You, Mr. Potter….are a poseur!"

"What?"

"A POSEUR POTTER!" he shouted, arms crossed, approaching Harry until he was mere inches from him. Looking straight down, he continued. "You don't have what it takes to be Emo, you are nothing Potter, weak….nothing."

"I'm not weak!"

"Then prove it!" Snape said again, knowing that Harry would not and could not prove it. "Know how I know you're a poseur? Let's see, Foo Fighters are NOT an Emo Band…neither is that American POS you were just dancing around to."

"What do you know?"

"I invented the Emo Movement Potter! I was Emo when Emo wasn't cool! I know what Emo is and what isn't! The Cure, The Smiths, Morissey, My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy….even Depeche Mode and Nine Inch Nails are closer to Emo than the lousy Foo Fighters!"

"Trent Reznor can suck my 'Harry' balls ok!" Harry said defiantly.

"What? Trent Reznor is the best thing to come out of the Slytherin House since Ozzy Osbourne!"

"I thought Paul McCartney was the best thing to come out of Slytherin?"

"Just because he broke up the Beatles to form his own lousy band to suit his own needs does not make him the best Slytherin ever! Besides he married that legless gimp-Muggle without a pre-nump! NO sensible Slytherin would do that!" he shouted. Harry really had no come back to that, it was after all true.

"You don't know, you don't know the pressures that come with being a celebrity! I'm everywhere Snape, I'm all over the place…I'm bigger than Jesus! No one understands my plight; no one understands what it's like to be the bravest, strongest wizard ever and the Saviour of the Universe…no one but me, because I'm Harry Potter!" He said, sticking his finger into Snape's chest. "I'm so alone, all alone, just me, me and no one else."

"I'm here lovey don't forget," the Portrait of Sirius Black exclaimed. "Who are you talking to Harry?"

"Snape."

"Tell him FUCK-YOU for me?"

"Sirius wants me to tell you…"

"ENOUGH Potter…sit down."

It took Harry a few moments to oblige but he eventually did. Meanwhile, arms crossed at his chest, Snape paced the room, looking at the posters on the wall. Most were of half naked women. Both Muggle and witch alike. He noticed a wall calendar called "A Year of Witch-Bitches", each month showed a nude witch doing simple magical things like brew potions, levitate feathers and mark star charts. He then noticed a Muggle TV and DVD player with a slew of DVD's on the dresser. Also he noticed a device for showing _magical_ shorts and some boxes containing those shorts.

"Debbie Does Diagon-Alley, Whore-Up Pimp-Down, Little Red's Clitoral Hood, Butt-Masters, Lord of the Cock Rings, Jerry McGuire's Penis, One Two Three Four Sit on My Face You Big Fat Whore, Kong-Dong, Deathly Swallows, When Harry Fucked Sally, Masterbater and Commander, Prisoner of Ass-Kabon staring Sirius 'I like Cock' Black, Conjure Me Some Pussy, Space Nuts, Fuck-Potion Number 69, Witches Dig it Rodeo Style, Expecto-Patro-Nads, The Dirty Sanchez, The Jizz-ard of Oz, Ride Me Like a Broomstick and Dobby's Cock. Impressive collection Mr. Potter, may I ask you a rather personal question?"

"Sure."

"Have you been laid yet?"

"What? Sure, I mean, hello, I'm Harry Potter!"

"Sure you are, tell me, what do breasts feel like?"

"Tits you mean? I love tits…I'm like a Tit Master!"

"Titty baby is more like it."

"What? NO, no Sir not me boy! I get right in there and I just, if I could live IN tits, I would…they are wow…they're yeah!"

"Sure Potter…."

"No really, tit's feel like big, massive like, bags of sand and…"

"Bags of sand? Did you say Bags of Sand? No breast feels like a bag of sand Potter."

"Like you know, you only loved one woman, my Mum…"

"And I can assure you her breasts felt nothing like sand!" Snape said as Harry lunged for him. Though it didn't matter, when he head-butted Snape, all he did was hurt his own neck and fall to the floor crying.

"Listen to me Potter, you are NOT Emo! You are not alone, the world loves you and your friends do too! You're just….horny!"

"Am not! Get laid all the time, don't I Sirius?"

"Never seen a titty in your life Harry, then again never have I."

"You see Potter, you are 18 now and a celebrity, yet you have not been laid, which is a mystery in itself…probably spend too much time here listening to Van Hagar and pricking yourself with sewing needles and not enough time in the pub, picking up witches."

"Like you know anything 'bout it! YOU? Hello, talk about someone who needs to be laid."

"Listen to me Potter, my sex life is none of your concern and neither is yours mine! But so long as you are out there trashing my good name and my Emo-Movement you'll have to deal with me! I will help you as much as I can so you can move on with your life and leave me and my precocious Movement alone! You poseur!"

"What? Sex advice from you? The sexless wonder?"

"This isn't about me Potter, and no I said I'd help but not offer advice, I'll need…an….expert for that and I know just who to get!" Snape said leaving the room and running down the stairs and out the door.


	6. The Emo Club

**CHAPTER SIX: ****The Emo Club**

_Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling._

It had been three months since Harry Potter single handedly saved the entire solar system. The wizarding world was all back to normal and the ceremony for Harry, Dumbly and Severus to receive their Order of David Copperfield-1st Class was just one week away. Albus was not really giving the award ceremony a second thought. Severus was full of angst at the thought of going out in public and being surrounded by photographers and reporters. Harry on the other hand was spending most of his time sulking over the fact he had to share "his" moment with Dumbly and Severus Snape. After his meeting with Snape, Harry resumed his Emo-poseur lifestyle and continued to prick his fingertips and toes. He'd recently moved on to plucking hairs out of his arms during moments of extreme anguish. He used golden muggle tweezers to yank the hairs out of his forearm. Sometimes, if he did it just right, he'd even draw a drop of blood. He relished those moments.

Snape had never returned with the "Sexpert" he was raving about. Hermione and Ron would come by 12 Grimmauld Place almost daily to see Harry. They had not seen Severus Snape in some time and had no idea what conclusions he'd made. Severus had slipped into despair that month. The weight of it all finally hit him…the work he'd done to help bring down Voldy, this 'Award of Impending Doom' and snot-nosed Potter running around thinking he was some kind of Emo. Snape had resorted to cutting at his own Dark Mark, but no mater how much or how deep he cut, the mark would not vanish. A quick visit from Dumbly, who smacked the top of Snape's head with Dobby's old sock snapped him out of his funk. Having no desire to ever come in close contact with Dobby's sock again, Severus thanked Albus and then politely kicked him out of his dungeons. He thought that it was time to consult the "Sexpert" and put this entire Potter Emo-poseur thing behind him. The sooner Potter was out of his life, the happier he'd be.

Severus flooed his old friend Lucius and asked if he could stop by. Lucius obliged. When he entered Malfoy Manor, Lucius was there to great him, fire whiskey in hand, and the other hand firmly on his hip. In truth they'd been in communication but had not met face to face since the battle. Severus was not one hundred percent sure how he'd be received. Lucius had wimped out and fled to America after Draco failed to murder Dumbly per Voldy's request. The Malfoy's had only just returned home about one month ago. Lucius was probably the most influential and famous of all the Death Eaters, but since he took his family and fled to get away from Voldy the Ministry pretty much forgave him. A modest fine of ten million Galleons was all he needed to pay to be back in the wizarding world where he belonged. Who ever said the Ministry of Magic was not corrupt?

"So my traitorous friend, what can I do for you?" Lucius asked, pointing to the Italian silk sofa. "Cocktail?"

"No thank you. Lucius, I have a question and a request."

"Very well," he said sitting in a handsome arm chair opposite the sofa. "Ask away."

"First of all, I need to know if you are really angry at me, for being a spy as it turns out and never really on your side."

"Why do you care what I think? I was not totally surprised my slithery friend. You always avoided the dirty work, and stayed neatly tucked away at Hogwarts all these years. In the end I did not care whose side you were on, so long as you helped me protect my son from the Dark Lord."

"I knew Draco would not murder Dumbledore, getting he and you and your wife out of the country was the only thing I could think of. Even if it was you that took the credit for it. Regardless then, thanks for the answer which you danced around by the way, now I have a request."

"Very well, what can I do?" he said sipping his single-malt, gray eyes staring deeply into Severus's black ones.

"I need Draco really. I need you to call him back early from his…_holiday_."

Lucius just stared at Severus for a few moments. "What on Earth for? He's having a great time in, where is he this week? Ft. Liquordale he called it."

"It's Ft. Lauderdale and it's a popular beach resort town. I'll need you to contact him and have him return at once, I need his help."

"You need the help of an 18 year old boy? You, the Great Severus Snape, soon to be awarded Order of David Copperfield-1st Class? Spy extraordinaire…you need my son to help you? Oh wait, that's right, you did nothing but watch Potter has he pummeled The Dark Lord to death, how trite of me," he said with the silky and wicked sarcastic smile that only Lucius could have mastered.

Severus stood and headed towards the fire place to floo back to his dungeons. He needed Draco and he didn't want to have to go into the reason, not to Lucius who would no doubt just tease him.

"Just, please contact him, tell him his Godfather really needs him to return home at once, he owes me, you owe me…"

"Calm down, calm down!" Lucius said, putting his drink down and walking closer to his friend. "Good Gods Severus. What is so wrong I need to call him back from his well deserved holiday? Really, please tell me."

"It's Potter. That disgusting, pathetic, asshole, limp-wanded piece of shite!"

Lucius just laughed and with each swear that escaped Severus's lips, his laugh just got louder. "Limp-wanded Severus?"

Severus stood still, inhaling deeply to control his temper. He regained his composure and stood to face Lucius.

"Potter apparently sees himself as…as…Emo."

"NO!" Lucius said with total and complete shock. "How dare he! It can't be, it just can't be, Potter doesn't even have bangs!"

"It's worse, he's really not Emo at all, he's a poseur."

At this revelation, Lucius just laughed again. "Oh my Gods Severus…what is the world coming to? What does this have to do with Draco?"

"Simple really. The whole reason Potter is being such a fucking pansy ass whining bastard is that he is really just sexually frustrated."

"Oh I see, I see…say no more, say no more. You have saved our lives, my son's life. I will not fail you my friend. I will contact him immediately and have him return home. Or, I could just kill Potter for you?"

It was a tempting offer. Severus contemplated it for a few minutes. "No, I don't think that will be necessary Lucius."

"Are you certain? He'd be quite easy to kill."

"You couldn't steal a snow-globe from him Lucius, just have Draco contact me as soon as possible," he muttered, stepping into the fire place and flooing back home.

Two days after returning to his sulking at Hogwarts Castle, Severus asked to meet with Potter's friends again, this time with Potter in attendance. Severus was shocked and somewhat uneasy at Dumbledore's request to join them at the Three Broomsticks, but he obliged none the less.

They all sat and waited for Ron and Harry. They thought it may take some time for Ron to convince Harry to come out of hiding. But only fifteen minutes later Ron came in with Harry, who also brought Kreacher with him. Harry was wearing a T-Shirt this time that read "I'm Emo and you can suck me!" with a tear drop hanging from the M. Kreacher appeared to be armed with a fork too.

"What's that?" Severus asked, looking at Kreacher.

"_IT_ is my protection, to keep me safe from my many many fans. They'll all want a piece of me no doubt and I've spent all my free time cutting this week, I'm low on blood, can't fight them off I'm afraid," he said, showing everyone his hands, all his fingertips were bandaged.

"I really may vomit," Severus said sipping his over proofed rum.

"Whotchar want?" The waitress asked, popping her gum and staring down at her writing pad.

"I want a Penis-Colada please," Dumbly asked with a huge grin. The waitress just stared down at him blankly.

"He means Pina-Colada," Severus quickly corrected. The others placed their orders, and then she got to Potter.

"Whotcher want?"

"The usual," everyone at the table just looked at each other. Harry Potter never came to this bar, what is 'the usual'?

"Whot-char-want?" she said more slowly, more clearly and more loudly.

"I'm Harry Potter! I want….a Bloody Mary! I'm sure I'm anemic after all my cutting this week!"

"Why didn't you say so you little git?" she spat and walked away.

"I have the power to get you fired you blasted skank!"

"She has the power to snot in your drink there mate!" Ron interjected.

Moments later she returned with a tray full of drinks. She handed Ron his Bass, Hermione her Cabernet, Dumbly his Penis-Colada, Seamus his Mia-Tai, Neville his Fuzzy Naval, Luna her Boiler Maker and then Harry his Bloody Mary.

"'Ere's ya bloody Bloody Mary," she exclaimed slamming his drink down in front of him. "Got it nice n' juicy for ya!" she winked and walked off. Everyone but Harry noticed a very large bite had been taken from the celery stalk. It appeared to also be floating in his drink. Everyone took their sips and waited for Severus to speak. He stared blankly at a wall and downed his over proofed rum. He'd need to by royally pissed to do what he was going to suggest tonight.

"Alright everyone, Severus has called us to this little sit-in to…"

"I did no such thing," he said interrupting Dumbly. "I have not and will not ever call together a sit-in as you call them. And someday if I ever become Headmaster again I'll ban them from Hogwarts all together."

"Now Severus, I plan to remain at my post for life, so unless you plan to kill me for real, to murder me, to throw me off the Astronomy Tower, leading to the most horrible and painful of a death and take my job, I just don't see this happening."

"Either way, the reason we are here is more of an intervention if you would. Potter is NOT an Emo, he is indeed a poseur because he has yet to be laid, and I'm on a mission to see to it that he gets laid, tonight! Any questions?"

Everyone just sat and stared at each other. Then they started to giggle.

"Dude, you ain't been laid yet?" Ron asked downing his fourth Bass.

"Shit, even Neville's been laid!" Seamus said.

"Really?" Harry asked, taking one sip of his drink and making a face like he'd just drank rubbing alcohol.

"Oh yeah, Luna and I do it all the time."

Luna simply nodded her head and dropped her whiskey into her beer.

"Oy mate, it's not such a big deal," Ron said as Hermione gave him dirty look after dirty look. "You just find a girl, get in there, poke her and you're done with it. OUCH!" he yelled, nearly dropping his beer. "Mione you kicked me!"

"Poke her? You're never getting it from me again!" she said looking away towards Kreacher still armed with his fork.

"Enough! You are all giving me a headache! There is a well known Emo club in Wales, tonight a group called Bullet for my Valentine is playing, you remember them, they were in Slytherin a few years back. If you are such an _influence_ in the Emo-Movement Potter, you'll fit in just fine. We'll all Apparate there in 1 hour. I recommend your friends offer you what advice they can. You will go there tonight, find a woman and get laid. Is this clear Potter?" Severus spat. "I had planned on using someone, a sexpert if you would, but he's been delayed. This is plan B. We'll meet out front of this club in one hour, don't be late!"

Severus threw down a pamphlet with the club's information on it and walked away, nearly knocking over Kreacher who stood guard with his three pronged fork.

"That greasy bastard left us with the bill….again!" Seamus said, in utter shock.

"Don't look at me, hippies don't have any money," Dumbly said playing with his paper umbrella, "Oooh, it works!"

"Why Wales? Why not London, I have more fans in London," Harry said, taking his second sip of Bloody Mary.

"Um, because the Emo Movement was started IN Wales, you know, Snape is Welsh. Hello! _Hogwarts a History_ people."

"The cheap bastard is from Sheffield! Talk about a poseur," Seamus said.

"Yes but he is of Welsh decent, the first truly Emo club, the one we're going to tonight, was built in Wales because that's where most of his fan-base are," Hermione said rolling her eyes.

"Well mine are in London! They're hungry for me Hermione, fuck Snape, we need to hit the tit-bars in London!"

"I hear ya mate!" Ron said giving Harry a High-Five.

"No, really, lets try this Emo place, sounds interesting and after all, you 'are' Emo Harry, are you not?" Dumbledore said with a guilty smile on his face.

"You're going Professor?"

"Yes Hermione, Hippies enjoy all sorts of new experiences."

"Right, I am Emo, Snape's the poseur. I can go to any Emo bar in the world and get laid, nothing to it! I'll prove him wrong."

One hour later the group all met outside the club. When Harry walked inside, he was shocked at what he saw. All the males inside looked just like Severus Snape and all the women looked like Amy Winehouse. The place was dark, very dark, very industrial looking. There were soft green and blue lights, black furniture and a very large dance floor. No one was dancing though. The patrons either sat alone, apparently sulking, or were in small groups or pairs also sulking. The music was loud. Severus blended in so well, no one in the group could find him. They finally spotted him in a dark corner at the very end of the bar area. He seemed to be talking to the bar tender. The bartender was a large, heavily tattooed and heavily pierced man with very long black hair that covered most of his face. Severus waved his entourage down.

"Sit here. We are here tonight to get Potter laid, nothing else. Nothing else matters, do you hear me Mr. Longbottom?"

Neville turned and blushed. He was dancing in his spot and it was annoying the hell out of Severus.

"Right, Potter! Come here!" Snape yelled. Harry was only four inches away from him though. Severus reached into his long black cloak and pulled out three potions viles.

"This is contraceptive potion," he said waving the bottle in Harry's face. "If a witch says she's on it already, don't believe her. Witches are liars!" he remarked as Luna and Hermione rolled their eyes. "This is aphrodisiac potion. You casually slip it into the witches drink; she'll more than likely want to sleep with you unless you are a total creep."

Again, Hermione and Luna rolled their eyes in disbelief. "And this…is breath freshener, your breath smells like shit Potter…drink it!" he handed Harry a tiny green vile of minty-freshness. Harry took the other two viles and awaited further instruction.

"Well? Go on then!" Severus said, pointing Harry in the direction of a few single witches at the other end of the bar. "You are after all_ the_ Harry Potter; this should be a cinch for you," Severus said with all of the sarcasm he would muster.

"Severus what is your plan?" Dumbly asked.

"After he gets laid, he'll quickly be over himself, he'll realize he's not alone in this world, that people really do like him and he'll stop destroying my movement, and then I can sulk in peace."

"Good plan Severus; I may need some of that contraceptive potion as well my boy!"

"This isn't that kind of club Albus."

Severus and the group looked on as Harry approached a witch sitting alone at the bar. She was dressed in all black of course and had what looked like dyed black hair. Her bangs covered the left side of her face. Through them though he saw the deep blue eye shadow and red lipstick. She had a piercing in her eyebrow more in her lips. Hell, her lips looked pierced shut! Her skin was pale and white and her eyes were golden brown. She had a arm full of tattoos that moved. Most notably she had a brewing cauldron and beneath it, a slithering snake. She also had on black nail polish and wore silver rings on each finger. One was in the shape of a snake and had an emerald for an eye.

"I'm Harry Potter, what's your name?"

"Goff Chik," she muttered looking bored.

"Slytherin huh?" he asked.

"What the fuck do you want?" she asked in a harsh tone.

"Well, I'm Harry Potter! Don't you want to sleep with me?"

"Bugger off faggot!" she said throwing her drink in his face and walking off.

"You are a total bitch! I could do better than you anyways!" he said, walking back to his entourage.

"OK mate, crashed and burned, but she's just one witch. There's plenty in here," Ron said, trying to console the inconsolable.

"Why's everyone in here covered in tattoos? Their 'God' over there Snape-i-poo doesn't have any…well, just that one I mean," Harry said.

"Huh? Are nuts Harry? You haven't heard of the massive, huge Slytherin emblem he has on his back, goes from the nape of his neck all the way down I read. He also has sleeves on his right arm, a tattoo commemorating each year Slytherin won a House Cup or Quidditch Cup since he's been head of their house, not to mention the large, steaming black cauldron one on his left arm above the Dark Mark."

"Blimey Hermione! How do you know all this stuff 'bout him?" Ron asked.

"Oh my Gods! _HOGWARTS A HISTORY_ people! It's 1,936 pages of information! The part on Snape's tattoos is on page three hundred and ninety four!" she said slamming down her drink. "Three Hundred and Ninety FOUR!"

Harry decided he'd rather not face the wrath of Hermione anymore that night. He turned and noticed everyone else was deep in conversation.

"What are you all talking about?" Harry asked, taking a sip of Ron's Bass.

"We're wondering why all the good bands come out of Slytherin….you got David Bowie, Ozzy, all of Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Sex Pistols, The Clash, Sting…just to name a few," Neville said.

"Yeah all we got is Def Leppard," Seamus said.

"Yeah, but I'd pay real Muggle money to see 'Mione sportin' a Union Jack tank-top!" Ron announced with pride.

"Ravenclaw has a few. Billy Idol and my favorite, the God of all Gods, the great one, Tom Jones! Oh that man is just pure sex!" Dumbly said drinking his daiquiri.

"Don't forget the Hufflepuffs, they have half the Beatles, Oasis, the Culture Club and Hot Chocolate!" Neville said feeling up Luna's ass and swaying to the music.

"We got like no body," Ron said.

"You got me! I'm the best thing to ever come out of Gryffindor. Because I'm Harry Potter!"

"Actually Dumbledore is the best thing to come out of Gryffindor, you're nothing Potter," Snape interrupted.

"What? Say that again Snape!"

"Well, Albus and your Mum, she was great, you, not so much."

"What you know about my mum could fill a thimble!" Harry said, Kreacher sensing his angst held the fork higher to Severus could see it.

"Unlike you, I knew your Mum…Potter."

"Like Biblically?" Ron asked.

"I didn't know her because you had her killed….thanks!" Harry said, breaking Ron's beer glass against the bar. He took a shard of the glass and positioned it in his hand as if he was going to cut.

"Go on Potter…do it, show us all what a great cutter you really are. You are after all in a room surrounded by cutters. Let's see this technique of yours."

"Professor, please, no, don't tempt him."

"Miss Granger I assure you Potter will not do it. He will not because he is not Emo, he's not a cutter, and he's not the 'Saviour of the Wizarding World'…that would be Albus and myself actually."

Harry stared at Snape with intense hatred in his green eyes. He held the shard of glass tightly in his right hand debating whether he should use it on himself, or to stab Snape. In the end he did neither. Snape growing tired of waiting and desperately needing to use the loo grabbed the glass from Potter's hand and swallowed it whole. Many of the patrons who witnessed this applauded as he walked off to the bathroom.

"What a fucking freak! He keeps swallowing all my instruments of mutilation!" Harry said sitting on the bar stool.

"Look Mate, here's the thing…you're, well…..you're really not Emo," Ron said.

"What? How dare you! How dare you even speak to me! Who are you? You're nothing, you're just my friend, that's all! You, none of you defeated Voldemort, I did, and me alone!"

"No man, look at it like this…ok, like…..like Lord of The Rings. OK, no one is saying that you didn't kill Voldy, you did….but we all sort of helped, that's all…..we're fine to let you have the spot light…but like ok…..Lord of the Rings, you're Frodo ok? Frodo who was the most important person in that tale….see you're Frodo and I'm Sam!" he said with a smile while ordering another beer, this time in a plastic cup.

"What? No you're not! You're not that fat-fuck! That fat-fuck, when you think about it, he's more important than Frodo, he carried Frodo, he aided him every step of the way. In the end, without Sam and the others, Frodo never would have succeeded. Sam after all becomes Mayor, and the entire story is really written about him! Is that what you're saying, you're saying that you are more important than me?"

"No mate, that's not what I'm saying, what I'm saying is...I don't know what I'm saying."

"Well here's what I'm saying Ron, I'm Frodo and you're maybe Pippin okay?" Harry said with a smile.

"Well all right, Pippin is really important too," Ron said as Harry started to choke on his White Russian. "See, Pippin is the one who climbed up that tower to fire up those beacons, so that the army of men knew that Gondor was in trouble, had they not showed, Gondor would have been destroyed for certain. Really quite important he was really, thanks Mate!" he said with a smile, smacking Harry lovingly on his back.

"No, no, no! NOT important, fuck Pippin, you're Merry!"

"That fucking weird ass homo? Fuck you man!" Ron said walking off.

"Harry I think we're going about this all wrong, oh good Severus you're back. I think we may need that sexpert you were talking about," Dumbly said. Severus knew that Dumbly was right. This was beyond him, he needed help, and Potter needed help, fast. Draco would have to be involved.


	7. What did he do to his hair?

**CHAPTER SEVEN: ****'What did he do to his hair?'**

_Authors Notes: I borrowed the 'flying Mercedes' from the fanfic, 'My Immortal' by __XXXbloodyrists666XXX_

_Also thank you to those of you who added me to your alert and favorites list, this is my first fan fic, so I do appreciate it! _

_Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling._

It was the morning of the award ceremony. Albus Dumbledore had dressed in his finest pink silken robes. They were a soft pink with some stronger magenta threading near the bottom. He never wore trousers beneath his robes, or underwear, but because Severus begged him, he did agree to wear some pink boxer shorts with red lips on them just for the occasion.

There was silver beading around the hem of his robes, and he looked great in his pink Birkenstocks! He pulled his long white beard together in the front with a golden sash that had rubies dangling from the ends. Each finger had a ring, all of them silver. He also wore four toe rings as well. The gems he wore complimented his robes. He had a gigantic opal with flecks of green, pink, yellow, and white in it. He wore diamonds, amethyst and rubies. His nails, long and sharp, were painted with a French manicure that morning by Madame Chong, who owned the Vietnamese Nail Shop in Hogsmead. Dumbledore's cloak was a soft sky blue on the outside and lavender on the inside. It had pearlized threading in the shapes of suns and moons on it. Most impressive, it had been a gift from Severus for his birthday a few years back.

Severus wore black, what a shock. But these robes were different from his teaching robes, they were made from the finest material. The top was high necked and had long sleeves that belled slightly at the ends. The top-frock swooped down nearly to his ankles with an opening down the center which exposed the black trousers beneath. He wore the finest black shoes and his cloak, a present from Lucius, had only been worn once before. It was charmed so that no one but a Slytherin could touch it. It was pure silk, black with Celtic knotting around the edges. On the back one could make out the outline of a large snake in shiny black thread. It billowed about three feet out and swept out ever so gently when he walked. Around the neck of the cloak was a pewter snake. The snake had emerald eyes and onyx teeth. The head would coil around its tale to clasp the cloak together. If anyone but a Slytherin tried to touch the snake, the snake would hiss and bite the person. The venom in its long, sharp teeth would knock the person out for several minutes. Leave it to Lucius to have something like this made. It was worth a small fortune and with the exception of Christmas a few years back when he received it, he'd had no real reason to ever wear it. Indeed on that day, the only thing he looked forward to was the prospect of some Gryffindor or Hufflepuff trying to take his cloak from him. He also wore his only piece of jewelry aside from his watch, a ring. A very large rectangle shaped emerald ring, a gift from Dumbledore. It had platinum snakes on either side of the magnificent gem. He thought it complimented his entire outfit that day very well.

Harry on the other hand was all decked out in as much Emo-gear as he could find. He wore skinny bitch jeans and a black T-Shirt that read, "I don't kill for medals" with a magical tear drop that moved from letter to letter. He magically dyed his hair pitch black and also magically grew some bangs long enough to cover the right side of his face. He did not wear his characteristic round glasses, but instead contacts. Harry had on several leather bracelets and several silver rings. Both thumbs had large silver rings with skulls on them. On his "fuck-you" finger he wore a large ring with the head of a lion on it with ruby eyes, it was a Gryffindor ring. He had a ring on his index finger with the letters EMO on it. He had pierced both ears, and from the looks of it, his nose, pierced straight through the septum, in-between both nostrils. He also had tattoos all of the sudden. A very nifty magical one that read, "The Battle at Hogwarts" with a likeness of him holding up the severed head of Voldy, who thanks to Harry and Harry alone, was now moldy.

When Harry entered Dumbledore's office, Severus was caught off guard. When he saw what Harry had done to himself, he projectile vomited, missing Dumbly's cloak my mere inches. Dumbledore cleaned it up using his wand and just giggled. He approached Severus and handed him a cup of tea.

"You all right my friend?"

"I was until that freak walked into the room."

"What? You afraid of the Emo-ness I'm emitting?"

"The what Potter? You look absurd! Change yourself back to normal right now or I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!"

"Why a spoon Snape, why not a knife…?" Harry inquired.

"Because it'll hurt more, you twit!" Snape yelled.

"Actually he looks like you, eh just a bit," Dumbly said walking over to shake Harry's hand.

"What the hell is this?" Severus asked, touching the nose ring that hung between Harry's nostrils. With very little effort, Severus was able to yank the nose ring out.

"Ouch! What the fuck?!" Harry yelped.

"It's not even attached, it was being held in place by sheer gravity you twat! And let me guess," Severus said glancing at Harry's forearm at his 'magical' tattoo. "As I suspected, a fraud. Just like you, this is no magical tattoo, this is a drawing that's been charmed to look like one…you're such a poseur Potter."

"Well you are such a arsemonger Snape!" Harry said.

Dumbledore thought it was time to intervene. He stepped in-between the two to stop a fist fight. Severus just stared down at Harry the wannabe Emo-wanker with utter disgust.

"Do you even know who Sid Vicious is?" he asked.

"Who? Was he that Ravenclaw who during my third year…"

"NEVER MIND POTTER!" he yelled walking towards the fireplace. "I'll meet you there," he said before flooing to the Ministry of Magic.

Dumbly and Harry met him there a few moments later. It seemed like the entire wizarding world was there to see them receive their awards. The awards for the rest of the Order of the Tempe were the week prior. Harry did not attend to see his friends receive their Order of the David Copperfield-2nd class awards. But they all showed up to see him. Most gasped when they saw what he'd done to himself.

"He looks like a mini-Snape," Ron said to Hermione, who looked on in shock.

"Harry? Hi, how are you doing?" Hermione asked.

"I'm adequate. Here to receive my award for saving the world. Then I plan to go home and live a life of solitude."

"You mean you're not going to the big party at the Burrow?"

"Oh, right, gee, I'd forgotten. I guess I can make an appearance."

"You know you're the youngest wizard in history to receive this award, any class, quite an achievement you know," Hermione stated.

"'Course I knew that, I'm not thick you know…still don't know why I have to share my moment with Dumbledore and Snape though."

Hermione and Ron didn't want to have to explain to Harry just why he had to share. It's as if he'd forgotten that they and his other friends helped him bring down Voldy, thus resulting in his Moldiness. It's almost like Harry wasn't even there that day.

They took their seats and watched on as the Minister of Magic gave a brief speech about each recipient. The speeches were modest and not too long, maybe three minutes each. He gave a recap of what each person had done, and gave some praise. Not too much though, he didn't want it to seem like the Ministry had nothing to do with Voldy's downfall.

Dumbledore humbly accepted this, his second Order of the David Copperfield-1st Class award. He flashed everyone a peace sign, said his usual "Peace and Love", gave a smile and sat back down. Everyone stood to applaud him and the applause went on several minutes after he'd taken his seat.

Severus Snape quickly and most humbly accepted his award. He said nothing, just gave a nod to the Minister and a nod to the crowd, and a brief almost half smile towards the direction of Dumbly. The crowd clapped but not with the gusto they had for Dumbly. He received a few standing ovations, from the members of the Order of the Tempe and anyone from his own house, Slytherin. Whilst on stage he noticed that Lucius and Draco were in attendance. Thank the Gods he thought, now Draco can help with Potter and get this poseur crap over with once and for all.

When it came time for Harry to receive his award, the people started to cheer and stand before his name was even announced. When Harry finally made his way to the stage the crowd stopped clapping and started to gasp instead. He heard whispers as he passed by, "Is that Harry?", "What happened to his hair?", "Oh shit, he didn't go Emo did he?" He approached the Minister, with a blank expression on his face. He took the award, glanced at the audience, and then slowly with his head down, went back to his seat. The room was silent, until Dumbly stood and began to clap. Soon the entire crowd followed suit and continued to cheer for about five solid minutes.

Severus felt the chunks start to rise again, but he held back the urge to splurge all over the floor of the Ministry of Magic. He simply zoned out instead until the ceremony was over.

The three award recipients avoided the crowd and the press and Apparated quickly to The Burrow for their celebratory feast. Dumbly at his age and his station in life had lived in the public eye long enough. He did not need to give press conferences or see his picture in the papers anymore. Severus could give two craps about recognition of that sort; he'd never get used to the thanks or admiration, and Harry the Emo-Fuck didn't want to appear happy or excited over the good press. He forced himself to retreat to the Burrow with the others, so he could sulk in the home of the Weasley's, who'd been his second family.

There are few certainties in life, but one is that Weasley's throw good parties. This is most true when George and Fred are the bartenders. They were never very apt at Potions, but as far as Mixology was concerned, they were pro's. Molly Weasley was a fantastic cook and Arthur was a most gracious host. So gracious he even invited the Malfoy's to attend this gathering.

"Take your cloak Severus"? Arthur asked. Severus pondered for a moment, he'd always liked Arthur, but the chances of anyone else offering to take his cloak were slim that night, so he obliged.

"Why sure Arthur, thanks," he said. And sure enough, as Arthur's hand got close to the snake clasp, the snake suddenly came to life and hissed. It lunged for Arthur's finger but missed. Arthur was just a second quicker.

"Woo, nifty there Severus, a gift from Lucius no doubt."

"Yes, always wanted to see if it worked."'

"No harm done, now please, the boys have taken up bar down there, help yourself." he said as Severus walked off. Dumbly did pass him an unhappy glance. Severus did not care. The snake did not bite Arthur, no harm done. Even if it had, he always had anti-venom on his person at all times, AT ALL TIMES!

"Dad why did you invite that wanker?" Ron asked pointing to Draco's enchanted Mercedes which was double parked next to Dumbly's love-bus that the Weasley's kept for him.

"Because he's Severus's Godson that's why and this after all is a party for him too. Besides, the Malfoys did the right thing in fleeing to America."

"So pussying out is a good thing?"

"For a Malfoy yes, for a Weasley, not a chance!" Arthur said hugging Ron tightly. "Now go on and have fun with your friends, keep an eye on your brothers, don't want a bunch of drunken wizards yacking all over my Burrow right?"

"Yeah Dad," Ron said heading in the direction of Fred and George. He noticed Severus sitting alone with a drink in his hand. It was purple and steaming. He was just staring at it, unsure what to do with it. Drinking and Occlumency do not mix. For the past several years Severus had not taken a sip of alcohol. But now the war was over and he could drink socially again. He doubted however that this purple concoction of the Weasley's was a safe to start on.

"Professor, or do I call you Headmaster?" Ron asked taking a seat beside him. Severus was after all, Headmaster of Hogwarts for part of the year prior to Voldy's defeat. He'd pretended he'd killed Dumbly on Voldy's request and hid Dumbly in his Dungeons for six months. In that time he was the most feared Headmaster, and everyone believed he worked for Voldy and really killed Dumbly. Needless to say it was a shock to everyone and Voldy when Dumbly appeared at the battle that day, the day he was finally made Moldy.

"Mr. Weasley you may call me whatever makes you comfortable. In reality both work. Even though I'm no longer Headmaster, I do retain the title but technically it would be more appropriate to use the title Headmaster Emeritus. Since I'm teaching again, I'm more at ease with Professor, as it causes less confusion. Just don't call me by my first name…or that _other_ nick-name." he whispered with heavy emphasis on the word 'other'.

"I'd never call you Snivellus….Sir," he said apologetically.

"Did you want something?"

"Oh yeah, your drink, it's an invention of George's. It's called a Purple Muther-Fucker."

"WHAT did you say?" he yelled.

"A purple moth-fkr...Headmaster," he mumbled. "Um, it's good really, it's grape flavored, really nice actually. But be careful, it'll get you pissed quick."

"I'll keep that in mind Weasley," he said, taking a very careful sip. "Do you want an autograph or something?"

"No Sir, I'm just worried about Harry, 'at's all."

"Well don't, I can assure you I'll get to the bottom of this mess, tonight. I plan to speak with Draco momentarily."

"Good, I hope he can help."

"Mr. Weasley from where I'm sitting, he's our only hope."

Severus watched as his handsome Godson sat beneath a tree, surrounded by babes. He wore only the finest robes, flew only the finest cars and dated only the finest witches. But he'd lay pretty much anyone except a Muggle. Dracos' gray eyes met Severus's and he jumped up to give Severus the thing he hated most in life, a hug.

"It's so good to see you Severus," he said hugging him tightly. Severus tried to hold back the disgust in his face, he really did like Draco, always had, even when he was a baby. And Severus hated babies. Now he was all grown up, and alive thanks to him. After 10 seconds he could no longer tolerate it though.

"Stop!" He said smacking Draco across the top of his blond head. "You look good, hairs grown longer I see, and I think you may have grown some."

"Yeah, I do look good don't I? Witches, this is Headmaster Snape, who wants to give him a neck rub?" Draco asked pointing to his contingent of witches.

It was then that Severus realized that the witch-brigade were all attractive, young, and wearing robes that matched Draco's, but in feminine form. They all raised their hands of course.

"That won't be necessary," Severus said.

"Want something else rubbed?"

"I'd like Potter rubbed out, I need your help, your witches are of no use to _me_ but I can see they may be of use to Potter."

"P-otter?" Draco spat, he actually spat all over Severus and his best robes. "What does that ninny-nosed ass wipe need with me?"

"Sex advice, he can't get laid and he thinks he's Emo."

"No he does not? Why that little….I'll kill him! I will, I could do it!"

"You couldn't beat him in Quidditch, just get him laid ok? I tried but to no avail. He must be stopped Draco, do you hear me?"

"I hear you, I won't fail you!" he said, walking back to his assortment of witches. Severus had the utmost faith in Draco's abilities to get Harry laid. 'It ends tonight,' Severus thought to himself, taking another sip of Purple Piss as he called it.


	8. Muggle Girls Are Easy

**CHAPTER EIGHT****: Muggle Girls Are Easy**

_Author's Notes:__ I borrow quite a bit from 40 Yr Old Virgin in this chapter._

_Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling._

Severus gathered the Potter Posse as he called them. He wanted them to sit with Draco and formulate a plan.

"Where's Potter?"

"Sir, he's over there, Sir," Hermione said, pointing to Harry who sat alone with a cup of steaming red stuff. He looked distraught. He looked very alone…he looked like a faker Severus thought as he approached Potter.

"POTTER!" Severus spat as Harry jumped from the tree trunk of which he was seated upon. "What are you doing?"

"Feeling nothing, nothing at all! I should be happy but I'm miserable! I'm all alone, my fans are not here, no one wants my autograph, and I had to share my day of glory with you and Dumbledore, my life sucks!"

Severus could hold back no longer. He grabbed Harry by the collar and yanked him off the ground with great force. So much force he tore his shirt.

"Hey, watch my Emo-threads man!"

"You listen to me you pathetic Poseur, the reason you are alone is because you've alienated all your friends, the reason you are miserable is because you have not been laid yet and the reason no one wants your autograph is because everyone in the wizarding world is disgusted with your current mood and behaviour. SNAP OUT OF IT!" he yelled shaking Harry. By this time a crowd had formed around them. Even Draco and his witches came to see what was going on.

"Leave me alone, I feel the need to prick my fingers!"

"Real men don't use needles, Potter!" he said dropping him down to the ground.

"What do they use? What do you know? What do you use Snape?"

"I use the Sectumsempra spell of course!"

"You do?" Harry asked in total and honest astonishment. "I mean, you _really_ do?"

"Of course I do, why do you think I invented it?"

"You are one sick fuck Snape."

"Get over here Potter, now!" Snape said, pointing in the direction of Draco and Harry's friends. "You will sit with Draco and listen to everything he has to say. He's been laid more times than you could ever imagine," Severus said as Draco, arms crossed at his chest, just smiled on with glee. Lucius was seen behind him looking prouder than ever. "This boy has laid witches on every continent but Antarctica, and that's only because no witches live there. He is a master and he has his own contingent of witches as you can see here," Snape pointed as the witches looked on and waved. "They WILL lay you Potter, for free, isn't that right Draco?"

"What? Free…you never said anything about...Witch better have my money!"

"No Draco, for free, give him one and lets get on with it."

"Wait! Hold up, I'm Harry Potter, no Potter has ever paid for pussy."

The crowd began to laugh; even Molly and Arthur started to laugh.

"You have any idea how much a wife will cost you in a lifetime Potter? Don't pay for pussy, we 'all' pay for pussy Potter!" Draco said as the crowd began to crack up.

"NO, you're not hearing me, I won't use a prostitute, leave me alone!" Harry said running off.

A week passed and the Potter Posse along with Draco sans witches decided to meet up yet again at The Three Broomsticks to discuss their Potter problem.

"I really don't know what else I can do."

"Draco, just talk with him, show him some moves, teach him some lines, something, you're suave, think of something," Severus said.

"Whotchar want?" the waitress asked.

"Grain alcohol," Severus commanded. He was desperate at this point. Everyone placed their orders and looked on at Severus, who had the angriest look in his eyes.

"Something else troubling you Professor?" Luna asked.

"Only this!" he said, throwing down a bag of letters. "All of them are from Emos, my Emos, real Emos. They all said if Potter keeps disgracing our Movement and making a mockery of them, they'll leave my Movement and go...Prep."

They all gasped.

"No! no, we'll help you, I promise, I'll get him laid, tonight!" Draco said. The waitress came back, and gave Severus his drink which he inhaled, she handed Dumbly his Grasshopper, Draco his Ouzo, Hermione her gin and tonic, Ron his London Porter, Seamus his Sex on the Beach, Neville his Sour Apple Martini and Luna her Jagermeister.

"Ron, go get Harry now, I need to get this done now, for Severus's sake, for Emos sake, for fuck-sakes man go get him!" Draco pleaded.

"All right, guard my ale," he said, but within seconds of leaving Draco drank it. Hermione thought to curse him but realized it would be undignified of her to do so.

They all nursed their drinks but no one really talked much. Seamus finally broke the ice.

"So uh, Draco, I hear you and Pansy uh, were like a couple huh?"

"Well I don't know, I fucked her if that's what you mean."

"Eww, she looked like a pug," Neville teased.

"Did she really?" Draco asked, taking a sip of his Ouzo. "Hmm, never actually looked at her face, but I can tell you that the curtains did not match the drapes if you know what I mean."

"Um, eww," Seamus said.

"Hey you guys ever notice that all the cool actors come from Slytherin?" Neville asked as Snape wore a proud face and Draco smiled. The rest ofgroup all hung their heads and nodded with agreement. "It's not fair, they have Alan Rickman, Judy Dench, Maggie Smith, Hugh Laurie, Anthony Hopkins, John Cleese, Julie Walters, Sean Connery and Richard Harris..."

"And Ravenclaw has Emma Thompson and Hugh Grant," Luna added.

"And Hufflepuff has most of Monty Python, Dudley Moore, Roger Moore, and Tracy Ullman," Hermione said.

"Yeah all we have is Mr. Bean...Oh good Harry and Ron, you're back...my Gods Harry, what's wrong?" Seamus asked.

Harry walked in behind Ron, looking more distraught than ever. He'd really 'Over Emod'. His friends could hardly recognize him. His finger tips were still bandaged, and his hair had grown longer and his bangs covered more of his face.

"What do you want? I was sulking in peace and quiet and then this red headed dope-wad showed up at me house and said I had to come here."

"Listen 'Arry, we're here to help you. We want you to understand that you did a great thing by offing Voldy…but we did help, a little. Look, you're Luke Skywalker and I'm Han Solo!" Ron said.

"What? You are NO Space Pirate Ron! Chewy maybe."

"Well thanks Mate, Chewy is quite important after all. He did aid Yoda during the Clone Wars…" Harry just stared straight ahead looking more and more angry. Ron the duffass just kept on going. "And he was the one who helped Han most of the time, quite important really. And Hermione here is Leah! Snape is sort of like Darth Vadar really, and Dumbledore is Obi Wan!"

"SHUT UP RON! NO, Snape may be Vadar but you are not Chewy…how the hell is Dumbledore Obi Wan?"

"Cuz he helped you and taught you, you're like his padawan learner, and Snape is like Vadar, he served his Dark Master, but then switched sides and actually defeated the Emperor...if I'm not Chewy, who the hell am I?"

"R2D2!"

"What? That fucking rubbish bin on wheels! Fuck you mate!" Ron said, walking away to sit near his Princess Leah.

"Harry, listen to me, tonight, you get laid," Draco said putting his glass down.

"Not by one of your witches."

"NO, better...Muggle."

Everyone was in shock. What did Draco know about Muggles? Other than all Muggles were easy that is. Had Severus been drinking he'd spit it out all over Dumbly's face.

"What are you getting at Draco?" Severus asked.

"Only that all Muggle's are easy, yeah. Muggle chicks are so easy, they fuck for free. FOR FREE! I've heard of a bar in London, we'll go tonight, and get you laid!" he said with an ear to ear grin. "Tonight we hit, The Embassy Club."

"How do you know this Draco?"

"See Severus, it's my job to know this stuff. See, a pimp's love is different than a squares. Granted I wouldn't fuck a Muggle with Harry's dick, but HE can!" Everyone looked confused, everyone but Severus that is.

"Embassy Club, very well," Severus said as he stood up.

"Wait! NO WAY Mister, uh huh, no, you're not stiffing us with the bill again!" Seamus demanded.

"I'm just going to the loo!" he shouted.

"Oh, ok then," Seamus said as he watched Severus Snape get up, and walk right out the front door.

"What? He did it…again? He did it again! What a bastard! Dumbledore, do you even pay your teachers?"

"Oh yes, Severus is loaded, all those Potions patents and all, he's just cheap," Dumbly said taking his last sip.

Half an hour later the group met at the Embassy Club. Severus was not there and neither was Dumbly. No one really expected them to show up. Draco, so confident in his sexuality, didn't even bother changing out of his robes. He brought his main-witch with him, her name was Jine-ah.. The others did change into their muggle clothing. They all walked into the Muggle night club together. Ron stumbled as he was mesmerized by the lights and the music and the hot chicks. Hermione let him stare, he had no mack, he'd never land one of those babes. They all met at the bar and Draco opened a bar tab. Ron stood at the bar drooling with Seamus. Neville just kept grabbing Luna's ass, and Hermione felt very out of place. Harry just stood there, shocked that no one recognized him.

"Potter!" Draco spat. "Come here. First, take this," he said handing him a tiny potion vile. "This is contraceptive potion, if a bitch says she's on it, don't believe her. Bitches are liars. Just slip it in her drink, which brings me to my next point, the drink Potter."

"What you want me to slip some aphrodisiac into it?"

"No Potter, get the bitch drunk, then bang her, okay? Done."

"That's all, that's the advice we've been waiting for?" Ron asked.

"Drunk girls are easy Harry, how do you think I nailed Luna the first time?" Neville said pinching Luna's ass as she giggled.

"It's true. Everclear's a hell of a drink!" Luna added toasting Draco.

"Right mate, here you go, see over there, a group of them, they look drunk!" Ron said pointing at a group of chicks. They all had multi-colored wigs on and one was wearing a veil.

"Sweet, bachelorette party dude! They'll put out for sure Harry!" Seamus said.

"Right Potter, go over there and just work your mojo, I'll show you okay?" Draco said. Hermione, Luna, Jine-ah and Neville all stayed at the bar while Seamus, Ron, Harry, and Draco approached the gaggle of drunken chicks.

"You sure trust Ron," Luna said.

"Well, he has like no lines, no game, no one will want him," she said.

"Gee, doesn't say much for you does it?" Neville added.

"Bite me Neville, go suck your grandma's ass okay?" Hermione said. "Jine-ah, that's an, interesting name."

Jine-ah just stood and stared at Hermione with a blank expression. It's quite possible she was too dumb to even form a coherent sentence. Hermione walked away and left the group, she decided to get closer to the guys to spy on them.

The group of hot wizards approached the drunken chicks. It didn't take but a moment for the chick in the green wig of course, to notice Draco right away.

"Hey Heff, nice bathrobe!" She said toasting him with her champagne glass.

"Thanks drunken Muggle. It is a gift from Heff actually, I studied under him at The Mansion last Autumn. Let me introduce you to my friends Harry, Ron and Seamus. Harry, Ron, Seamus, these are drunken Muggle bitches."

"Hi!" Ron said waving. It didn't take but a second for the chick in the red wig to sit on Ron's lap, the chick with the green on Draco's, the chick with the blue on Harry's and Seamus sat on the lap of the chick with the pink wig. The chick with the veil sat upon no ones lap, but was so drunk she didn't seem to care.

Ron sat in awe of the drunken Muggles he was surrounded by. He leaned into Harry and said, "Look mate, you're Captain Kirk and I'm Mister Spock, okay?"

"Ron, you're Chekhov at best."

"Fuck you mate."

But within minutes they were all drinking and laughing. All but Harry who had no clue what to do next. He looked on at Draco, who was slipping the contraceptive potion into the green wigged Muggle's drink. He winked at Harry and mouthed the words, 'watch this.' He then leaned his hand over to her bare knee, then slowly up her thigh, and he kept going. Harry and Ron were shocked; he was not going to stop! Seamus was snogging the pink wigged hooch and didn't notice.

Hermione was seated with Neville two tables down and they were dazed at what Draco was doing. "You don't think he'll?"

"Oh yeah, he will. Bartender, need me another Peach-Tini!" he yelled holding up Muggle money. "Grams would be so mad if she knew I was at a Muggle club watching Draco fingerbang a Muggle slut."

But that's precisely what Neville was doing. Hermione never thought she'd see the day she sat in a Muggle bar watching Draco fingerbang a Muggle either. Or anyone else for that matter. She was more amused at the look on Ron's face. His eyes were bugging clear out of his head. Seamus still had no clue what was going on, and Harry was beet red. His Muggle just sat and munched on his ear. He looked uncomfortable.

"As I thought, no under garments, see Muggles don't wear 'em, ever! See for yourselves!" Draco said, sticking his finger in his Muggle's drink. Ron just lifted his Muggle's skirt and saw that Draco was right.

"Blimey! No wonder Dad's so fascinated with Muggles," Ron said in shock.

"Um, is it really a good idea to say the word Muggles, to Muggles?" Harry asked.

"They're drunk Potter! They won't remember squat! Now go search yours, she isn't wearing any I assure you!"

Harry just sat there, still, petrified. He was curious, he'd admit, but it just seemed wrong. So he did the gentleman thing and simply asked her if she was wearing any.

"No!" she whispered and continued to snog in his ear.

"Seamus, check yours," Draco said.

"What the?" Seamus said, "She has a dick!" he squealed as he jumped off her.

All the drunken Muggles laughed. Draco and Ron were cracking up as well.

"Yeah, that's our friend Andi. Well she used to be Andy, she's just about to have the, uh, _operation_!" the Muggle in the green wig said, sipping on her drink. "Eww, this drinks gone nasty, order me another one hot stuff?"

"Sure thing, champagne for everyone!" Draco said waving down the waitress.

Before long they were all drinking champagne, except Seamus who was now seated with Hermione. Neville had left to go fetch Luna. He couldn't take it anymore; he needed to splack her right there in the bar. They went off in search of a more private spot while Seamus sat in shock, and speechless next to Hermione.

"Do you want me to lecture you on the absurdities of what you just did Seamus?"

"No thanks. I would like you to Obliviate me though."

"Not a chance, you should have known better. Oh God's look at poor Ronald. I think he's going to explode soon, there goes my night of peace and quiet."

"What's Harry waiting for? His chick is a chick, he needs to do this. Draco already slipped her contraceptive potion, what's Harry waiting for?"

"I don't think he wants his first time to be with a drunken Muggle Seamus. Would you?"

"Not that one with the pink wig that's for certain."

They looked on as Potter's ear was sucked raw at this point. Draco looked impatient. This should have been done by now. He leaned in to chat with Harry.

"Potter! What are you waiting for? Just go take her."

"But, she's drunk."

"She's grabbing at your crotch Potter, take her."

"She's been sucking on my ear lobe for thirty minutes. It's quite annoying actually."

Just then she stopped licking his ear and belched in it instead. The other drunken Muggles just laughed but Harry looked grossed-out.

"God, I should not have had that shellfish sandwich earlier," the blue wigged Muggle said, as she continued to suck on Harry's ear again. "I want some fuckin' French Toast!" she growled pulling on Harry's shirt. "Come on, let's get out of here!"

"Um, really? You sure?" Harry asked.

"Oh yeah, hey you're kind of cute, lets go!" she said stumbling as she headed towards the door with Harry. Draco winked at Harry and pointed to the exit. Harry followed the drunken Muggle outside. He decided to just go for it. He leaned in to kiss her and she suddenly puked up shellfish sandwich all over Harry's face.

'The one night I don't wear my glasses' he thought as he tried to wipe the puke off his eyeballs. 'This sucks,' he thought to himself as he walked down the street, leaving his friends and the vomiting drunken Muggle behind.


	9. The Town Slut

**CHAPTER NINE: The Town Slut**

_Author's Notes: There are no horcruxes in this story._

_Disclaimer: These characters belong to JK Rowling._

Harry being honestly distraught showed up at the Three Broomsticks to meet with Draco, Neville and Ron the next night. He didn't even bother to magically Emo his hair, or color in his fake tattoo. He did wear a T-Shirt that read "Fuck Life" with a dagger dangling from the K this time. Draco and the others were still laughing about the last night when he arrived.

"It's not funny."

"Yes it is mate, R2 my ass by the way."

"Fine, be bloody Lando I don't care! I really don't care! Everyone got laid last night, everyone…'cept me," he said staring down at the table.

"Well, Seamus didn't either if it makes you feel any better," Ron said.

"Whotchar want?" the waitress asked with the zeal she always had.

"I want a chocolate milk, ok? Make it two percent," Harry said.

"Huh?" the waitress said. The others started to giggle.

"Look, I don't like alcohol ok? I'm tired of pretending," Harry stated. Everyone grew silent. They placed their orders and waited for the waitress to leave.

"Ok Potter, I probably should have told you, if the drunken Muggle is too drunk to walk, she's probably too drunk to nail. That was my bad," Draco said genuinely. "But don't worry, I'm sure we'll find someone dumb enough to screw you. Glad to see you're not sporting much Emo crap today. Severus will be pleased."

"I don't care, I really don't care. Let me be clear, I really don't care. I don't care about pissing off Snape anymore. I don't care that I 'killed' Voldemort," he said putting quote marks up with his fingers, "Or about my Order of the David Copperfield. Everyone has a girlfriend but me. It sucks….It just sucks. It's because I'm a faker that I have no girl," he said with his head down. Draco noticed a small tear fighting to fall from Harry's green eye.

"Holy shit, you really _are_ Emo now...Fuck Snape's gonna be pissed," Draco said.

"I don't care," Harry repeated.

"Stop saying that mate…just stop it. We'll help you; you'll find someone, someone great," Ron said putting his hand around Harry's shoulder. The waitress set down their pints of Guiness and Harry's chocolate milk.

"On the 'ouse by the way. Owner's rule, since you killed Voldy and all."

"I really didn't. Not really. Dumbledore and Snape did more than I did. Ron did more than I did; all I did was hit him with my Godfather's broom."

"What?" Draco said in shock.

"You heard me, I had help. They all deserve free drinks more than I do…well, Draco doesn't really."

"Gee, thanks, after all I did to try to help you."

"All you did was made me feel more like crap. Like I needed to pay for a prostitute, or get a girl drunk to be interested in me. No wonder no one wants to be with me, I'm a poseur. I'm a fraud. Snape was right. I'm nothing. I don't deserve you guys," he said getting up and walking out the door.

Ron and Draco just sat there in shock. Neville couldn't even drink his beer. They all felt very small.

"He's really turned Emo hasn't he?" Ron asked.

"It appears to be so. Wait? Hold on, I have a plan. Let's go to his house, I'm sure that's where he went," Draco said leaving his galleons on the table.

The three Apparated to Harry's house. Kreacher answered the door and let them in.

"Most honourable and welcomed guest," Kreacher said to Draco, "Most foul and vile blood –traitor," he said to Ron, "And the worlds sorriest excuse for a pure blood wizard," he said to Neville, "please have a seat. I'll get that whiney-prick half blood Master of mine."

Moments later Harry came down stairs, hanging his head. His eyes were swollen, he had been crying. He sat down and did not make eye contact with his friends.

"What do you want?"

"I got it all figured out. I know the perfect witch for you. She's pretty, she's smart, and she's even Pure Blood!" Draco announced with enthusiasm. "She's guaranteed to like you, and even more so, guaranteed to fuck you too! I know for a fact this witch puts out."

Ron looked puzzled. Who on earth could this enchanting creature be? And why hadn't he tried to hook up with her?

"Who?" Harry asked, still looking down at the floor.

"Ginny!" Draco said with a huge smile.

"What? My…my sister?" Ron screamed as he stood up to hex Draco. "Why the hell are you spreading lies about my only sister?"

"Uh, cuz it's true man. Think of it, she shagged Michael her fourth year, then Dean…then me! It was all downhill after that though. She went bonkers and started to shag the entire school really."

"You? What?" Ron asked.

"You so need to get over the fact I gave your sister assgasms. I shagged EVERYONE at Hogwarts, my year, her year, and even a few years up. What did you do wrong with Cho man, she was fucking amazing! She could go all night!" Draco said to Harry.

"What do you think I did? I fucked it up…no one wants me remember?" Harry said, still looking down.

"Assgasms?" Ron said looking sick.

"I give 'em to Luna all the time man," Neville said with a grin.

"You? You shagged my sister? You wanker! Get up, I'll kill ya!" Ron yelled.

"Get over it mate, Neville nailed her at the Yule Ball! Didn't you?"

"Uh...well, sort of I guess, kind of...yeah," Neville whispered also looking down at the floor now.

Ron fell to his seat and sank in disbelief. His sweet little only sister was the town slut.

"I wanted to recruit her to my witch-brigade but she turned me down. Anyway, I know she likes you Potter, though I don't know why."

"Really?"

"Really. She called out your name when I was nailing her while flying on my Nimbus 2001 one night. That witch had balance."

"Really?" Harry asked.

"You screwed my little sister, on a broomstick?"

"On a broomstick, in a broom closet, at the broom shop, with a broom handle…"

"Enough! NO more talking shit about my little sister!" Ron exclaimed.

"Look, guys. It's done it's over, I'm done. I'm tired of the charade. I'm done with it. This started out as a joke you guys, I mean really. Come on Ron do you really think I think you're R2?"

"Uh?" Ron said still in shock at thoughts of his sister sleeping with Draco. "What? Joke, what joke?"

"You really are thick. Shit guys, it' a joke! All of it, a joke. Me and Dumbledore decided to pull a fast one on Snape; this whole thing is a joke! I'm not Emo, and I'm no Emo-Poseur either."

Draco's jaw dropped at this news. 'Snape's gonna kill him' he thought to himself.

"What do you mean mate?" Ron said. He really was that thick.

"Holy Christ, Ron, I'm not Emo! I just pretended, to piss Snape off! I did it as revenge!"

"Revenge for what? For him saving your life?"

"NO! For being the one who got my parents killed, for loving me mum, for being a Death Eater, for torturing me in class, do I need to go on?"

"How about for him being a Snivellus?" The Portrait of Sirius Black asked.

"No Sirius, you started that. And for no good reason. I have a good reason. I wanted to destroy his little Movement…that bastard loved my Mum guys."

"Eww," Neville said suddenly not feeling so bad that he'd nailed Ginny.

"Told ya that did he?" Ron asked.

"No, not really, he showed me in the Pensieve, he knew I would not believe him. It's why he switched sides, whatever. Okay, I wanted to get back at him. Deep down he wants credit for killing Voldemort. The best revenge for me is to take that glory away from him. And if destroying his Emo-Movement came along with the territory, then so be it. It's was really a genius plan. Even fooled Hermione and that's saying a lot."

"I don't believe it. YOU pulled a fast one on my Godfather? Potter?" Draco spat as he stood furious. "Classic mate" He said trying to give him a Hi-Five.

"I never liked you Draco. You may leave my house now."

"I'm telling my Godfather what you did to him!"

"I really don't care, remember? So don't care."

Draco left. Ron and Neville sat still stunned. Harry sat back down, still depressed.

"I thought I'd feel better after getting the best out of him, but I don't. I really can't believe you lot didn't catch on."

"I'm oblivious to most things and Ron's thick you know," Neville said.

"I mean really guys. Did you really think I didn't know what you all did to help weaken Voldemort? Did you think I didn't see Dumbledore who I thought was dead until a few days before, use nearly every bit of magic left in him to weaken Voldemort? Did I not see your Mum Ron, kill Bellaxtrix? I did. I saw you and Hermione bring down Dolohov, the strongest Death Eater of them all. Did you think I didn't see you chop off Nagini's head Neville? Did you really think I didn't notice Snape, after being bit by Nigini, take anti-venom potion and then get up and royally kick Voldemort's ass? I did.

"I saw him duel with Voldemort for thirty solid minutes, and he did it with broken ribs, and burns and a huge snake bite on his neck. I saw as he used his Sectumsempra spell on Voldemort to cut off both is legs and his arms, and then his ears. He was going for his head when I realized I needed to do something, anything to help in this battle. All I'd done was camp out for a year hiding from him. I thought fast and just whacked him on his head with my broomstick. Guys, he may have been already dead when I did it. There's no way to know for sure. Dumbledore told me later that night when we met that I should take the credit, to make it seem like the prophecy was true. If Snape thought he'd actually killed him, Dumbledore thought that maybe Snape would turn wicked again after realizing just how much power he had. Plus Dumbledore had a bet with Kingsley that I'd be the one to kill Voldy, and you know how Dumbly hates to lose a bet. So I acted like an arse right after the battle just to piss Snape off. I really do hate that man. Later that night Dumbledore told me to keep the joke up, he loved how much Snape lost his temper over the little things.

"But I'm done, I'm tired, I think Emo is STUPID and idiotic. Anyone who chooses to live and look like that is insane…why would you think I'd do that to myself? …Oh, and I have been laid by the way," he said.

"Really? You never told us."

"Because Ron, it was Ginny that I slept with, didn't want to piss you off mate."

"What? Has everyone fucked my sister?"

"Yeah, pretty much mate.," Harry said laughing. "But it's okay. I do like her. I was thinking of looking her up this Christmas at the Burrow, if that's all right with you that is."

"Only if I can be Sam again," he said, giving Harry a hug.

"You can be Sam."

True to his word Draco told Severus Snape everything he'd found out. Severus did not look shocked at all. He was a hard man to read. He'd been bested by that little Emo-Fuck, Harry Potter. He could admit defeat. Bitter as it was.

"Why do you think he gave up on his little…joke?"

"I think the Muggle vomit in his eye pretty much did it for him."

"Ahh, well that does make me happy."

"Severus, I thought you'd be angrier."

"Me? Angry over that wanker? That's what he wants. No, I will not waste any more energy being angry at him. Revenge however…that is a different thing."

"Great, what will you do?"

"Well for starters, I'm going to put a curse on Potter so all and I do mean ALL his offspring end up in Slytherin and all end up Emo someday. Then I may just throw Albus off the Astronomy Tower, I have a feeling he was behind this."

"For real, you're going to murder the Headmaster?"

"No Draco. It's called sarcasm, please look it up. Now go, don't you have something to screw out there?"

"Always do. Well I'd love to see if your curse works, think it really will?"

"I'm the only wizard in the world you can fly unaided, I survived a snake bite by a very large and evil snake, I lied to the noseless face of The Dark Lord for years without any suspicion, and I founded the greatest and most influential Movement of all time. Draco, what can't I do?"

"Get laid it seems. But I can help you there!" Draco said with a gleam in his gray eyes.

To his shock Severus did not say no. Instead he got up from his desk and walked over to his personal stores of potions. He puttered around them for a few seconds and then pulled out a clear crystal vile. Draco knew right away what it was.

"You know what they say about witches and contraceptive potions?" Severus asked slipping the vile into his robes.

"Yep, if they say they are on them, don't believe them, witches are liars," Draco said patting his Godfather on the back.

The two wondered off into the sunset in the direction of Hogsmeade. Harry may have gotten the last whine in, but it would be Severus who would have the last laugh.

The End

**EPILOGUE**

_I did borrow a concept by a buddy of mine, Hobgoblinn, in this epilogue._

Nineteen years later and all was as well as it could be. Harry did marry the town slut Ginny, and they had nine children. Every single one of them ended up in Slytherin to their parents' surprise. They never did realize that all their kids were in Slytherin due to a curse put on them by Snape.

All but one of their children turned out to be Emo. The one who was not Emo was their only son whom they named Albus, and what a shock, he turned out to be hippie. He dropped out of Hogwarts during his sixth year to open a hemp-store. He specialized in hemp shampoos _**guaranteed to make anyone's hair look good, even Severus Snape's, or your galleons back'**_.

Harry did become an Auror and Ginny became a professional quidditch player. They did end up divorcing when a tell-all article in The Daily Prophet broke the news that Ginny was banging half of the Bulgarian team. Not to fear, Potter did end up marrying pug faced Pansy in the end, and their two kids were sorted into Hufflepuff. Severus got his revenge indeed!

He also got his revenge on Dumbly. Severus took Dumbly to a Wizarding Conference in San Francisco four years after the defeat of Voldy. Haight Ashbury was everything Dumbly thought it would be. It did prove to be the hippie Mecca of the world. So entranced was Dumbly with all the hippiness of California that he vowed to never return to Hogwarts again, and he never did. He lived hippiliee ever after to the ripe old age of 235.

Luna and Neville married and took positions at Hogwarts. Neville became the Herbology professor and Luna taught Transfiguration after McGonagall retired. They had two children, a boy and a girl and both were absolute geniuses. Their son Christoff became one of Briton's preeminent Potions Masters to Snape's utter shock. Their daughter Daffodil became Minister of Magic.

Seamus married Dean Thomas after they lobbied for gay marriage to be made legal in the wizarding world. They adopted a daughter who they named Sheyla and she became a bartender in one of Whale's most popular Emo clubs.

Ron and Hermione married and had three of the most ordinary wizarding children in history. Her above average intelligence and his mediocreness cancelled each other out and their two daughters ended up being just plain average. Their only son was a squib but was one of the Muggle worlds most popular Emo drummers. Hermione was the lawyer who after freeing the house elves won the case for gay marriage in the wizarding world. Ron became a quidditch little league coach.

Draco married Jine-ah and they had three of the most pure blooded, slutty, blonde and dumb children to ever walk the planet. All three were in Slytherin. Their only son, Little Dipper, joined Draco in the family business of pimping. But he did also expand the business to incorporate a new concept called "Pimp My Witch" where they made up haggy old witches and turned them into hot ass bitches! Draco's dad was overcome with pride and joy, he lived to be 194 yrs old and his hair never grayed.

After Dumbly moved to San Francisco per Snape's master plan, Snape did indeed become Head Master for real this time. Severus Snape became the first Headmaster in Hogwarts history to have no students die under his watch. To say he was over protective was putting it mildly.

He took extreme joy in hexing and jinxing his students as they passed him in the corridors. He welcomed them to try to defend themselves and even strike back. Every now and then a student would get the best of old Snape and catch him off guard. So long as they were not a Hufflepuff, he did not mind.

He married Goff Chik and they had nine black haired, Slytherin, genius, Emo kids. Their tenth child took them for a loop. He turned out to be sorted into Ravenclaw and was not Emo at all. He never got a tattoo, and never got a piercing. His parents thought of disowning him but he did go out and form a great Ska band, so he was off the hook.

Severus sat in his office at Hogwarts filled with pride at the life he'd lived. He helped bring down Voldy. He'd married a hot Emo chick who was also a Potion's Master and ended up teaching Potions at Hogwarts. He had ten wonderful, greasy children. He taught defense and became Headmaster in his own right and made Hogwarts even more well known as the best wizarding school in the world. He did campaign to remove the Hufflepuff House but lost. It was his only failure in life.

Above all it was a good life, and most important of all he had gotten his revenge on Harry Potter. He also made sure to demonstrate to the world that Albus Potter's hemp shampoo did **NOT** in fact make his hair look good at all. He did a live demonstration before the press thus proving that his hair was no more improved after using the hemp shampoo that was guaranteed to make even his hair look better. Albus had to refund so many galleons that he went bankrupt. In the end, Severus had the last laugh. Even funnier, the shampoo really 'did' work, he made sure to grease his hair down with pig fat before the live demonstration, but he'd never tell.

_AN-Well I hope you enjoyed, I may write a sequel, if you liked this and laughed some, please feel free to leave a review!_


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